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GregBoyd
Registered Member
Date Joined Jul 2001
Total Posts : 1818
| Posted 2/21/2003 5:36 AM (GMT -6) |   | Ever need a break from all the heavy theological stuff we discuss on this board? I DO Lets share some jokes! They can be as dumb as all get out, so long as they're tolerable clean. Enjoy.
Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.
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A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
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A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
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A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says
"A beer please, and one for the road."
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Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was great. (GROAN!)
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Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
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"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
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Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"
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Two hydrogen atoms meet.
One says "I've lost my electron."
The other says "Are you sure?"
The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
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Answer-phone message:
"....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says "My dog's cross-eyed, Is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well" says the vet "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, checks his teeth, etc.
Finally he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Just because he's cross-eyed???"
"No, because he's really, really heavy."
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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him fifty bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said "No, the steaks are too high."
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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.
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I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank.
This proves once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. (I LOVE THAT ONE)
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Two fish are in a tank.
One says to the other "I'll man the cannon, you drive." (don't get it)
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What do you call a fish with no eye?
A fsh.
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Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
"In Christ...the ONLY THING that matters is faith energized by love." Galatians 5:6 | | Back to Top | | |
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fyodor
Registered Member
Date Joined Dec 2002
Total Posts : 179
| Posted 2/21/2003 5:47 AM (GMT -6) | | Those are very punny!
†††"To have a self, to be a self, is the greatest concession, an infinite concession, given to man, but it is also eternity's claim upon him." – S. Kierkegaard | | Back to Top | | |
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following
Registered Member
Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 24
| Posted 2/21/2003 5:54 AM (GMT -6) | | The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here."
What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking -- "Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too."
Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."
Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?
Why do they call it a "building?" It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built?"
Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?
How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own?
All the king's HORSES and all the king's men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they couldn't put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway?
Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a Danish!"
Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff."
Did you see these new mini van ads? All they talk about are cup holders, kiddie seats and doors. What kind of advertising is that? When you see an ad for a suit, do they say, "And look at the zipper! Carefully hidden, but easily accessible when you need it!" I think not.
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
Edited by - following on 02/21/2003 10:56:29 AM | | Back to Top | | |
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BBBCanada
Registered Member
Date Joined Jun 2001
Total Posts : 2763
| Posted 2/21/2003 6:01 AM (GMT -6) | | A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a VCR to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot...
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a 140 pound Rottweiler Jesus."
Brandon
"Truth is so obscured nowadays and lies so well established that unless we love the truth we shall never recognize it."--Todd Flanders/ Pascal: Talkin' 'bout My Generation | | Back to Top | | |
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following
Registered Member
Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 24
| Posted 2/21/2003 6:16 AM (GMT -6) | | I like this better than theological stuff...
Some great Homer Simpson quotes
Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose... it's how drunk you get.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh... ooh... yeah... right, Lisa.
A wonderful... magical animal.
Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how!
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Marge: Homer, did you call the audience "Chicken"?
Homer: No! I swear on this bible!
Marge: That's not a bible. That's a book of carpet samples.
Homer: Mmmm... fuzzy.
Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: But the car's okay?
Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.
Mmmmm... reprocessed pig fat...
(praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever... thy bidding will be done (munch munch munch).
Donuts. Is there anything they *can't* do?
Homer: (On George Bush) I didn't vote for him!
Marge: You didn't vote for anybody.
Homer: I voted for Prell to go back to the old glass bottle. Then I became deeply cynical.
Curse you, magic beans!
Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.
Ah, good old trustworthy beer. My love for you will never die.
Ah beer, my one weakness. My Achilles heel if you will.
Marge, the reason we have elected officials is so we don't have to think!"
I know I'm not usually a praying man, but if you're up there, Please Superman help me!
Edited by - following on 02/21/2003 11:17:42 AM | | Back to Top | | |
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S.B.G.
Registered Member
Date Joined Jan 2003
Total Posts : 143
| Posted 2/21/2003 6:52 AM (GMT -6) | | Greg: Aren't you supposed to be preparing your sermon?  It's a good thing you don't use these for ice breakers! (although I'd like to see your Tom Jones imitation)
Following: "Why do they call it a 'building?' It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a 'built?'"
HA! LOL I love it!!!!
Here's one of my favorites:
Q. What do a Texas Tornado and a Kentucky divorce have in common?
A. In both cases, somebody's going to lose a trailer!
Nice sparkle to the day guys!
S.B.G.
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BBBCanada
Registered Member
Date Joined Jun 2001
Total Posts : 2763
| Posted 2/21/2003 10:28 AM (GMT -6) | | The Canadian government has decided to assist the USA in the war against terrorism. They have agreed to send:
2 of their largest battle ships.
6000 ground troops.
6 fighter jets.
After the exchange rate, the USA will receive:
2 Mounties
1 canoe
a bunch of flying squirrels.
I can say this, eh?
Brandon
"Truth is so obscured nowadays and lies so well established that unless we love the truth we shall never recognize it."--Todd Flanders/ Pascal: Talkin' 'bout My Generation | | Back to Top | | |
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Tigress
Registered Member
Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1252
| Posted 2/21/2003 11:19 AM (GMT -6) | |
Q: Why can't chickens talk?
A: Because they would use fowl language.
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selah
Registered Member
Date Joined Oct 2001
Total Posts : 1210
| Posted 2/21/2003 12:16 PM (GMT -6) | | Thanks for this thread. I've been trying to write 3 papers at once...on this computer for days. Here's my contribution:
Q. What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vender?
A. "Make me one with everything."
Q. Why did the blonde have square breasts?
A. She forgot to take the tissues OUT of the box.
Q. If there's 5 birds on a roof and you shoot one, how many are left.
A. One. The one you shot.
The others flew away!
Q. What does it take to drown a "blonde"? (substitute "man" if you like :p)
A. Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.
Q. What type of baseball do you play on the moon?
A. An all-star game!
There was this smart guy and this dumb guy who walked into a bar. The smart one ducked, the other one got hit!
Q.What did the pickle say to the hamburger?
A. Nothing--pickles can't talk.
(Last 3 credited to Jeff :)
peace and love
selah
Then He showed me the river whose waters give life, sparkling like crystal, flowing out from the throne of God and of the Lamb. Rev. 22:1
Edited by - Selah on 02/21/2003 6:51:28 PM | | Back to Top | | |
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selah
Registered Member
Date Joined Oct 2001
Total Posts : 1210
| Posted 2/21/2003 2:02 PM (GMT -6) | | Remember this one if you do it right, it will
definitely be worth a "giggle"
Apparently the owners of this house have been
seeing images and hearing voices for quite a
while. They did some research and found that a
lady once lived in the house who lost her husband
during the Civil War. Legend says she used to sit
at the table and look across the fields in
anticipation of her loved one returning home.
He never came so they say she still waits...
They caught this photo of what they claim to be
her. It's a little spooky once you find the ghost
in the picture.
(It took me a few seconds to find it, but when
you do,it just stands out. Kind of like one of
those optical illusion posters. To save you some
time, concentrate around the table.Best not to
focus too much on one spot.)
Look around the table and toward the window.
Click on the link below for the picture. Best to
enlarge. For an added touch turn up the volume,
it's faint, but the low murmur you hear was what
got the photographer's attention first.
Click here: http://home.attbi.com/~n9ivo/whatswrong.swf
Edited by - Selah on 02/22/2003 07:14:09 AM | | Back to Top | | |
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churchmouse522
Registered Member
Date Joined Jul 2001
Total Posts : 163
| Posted 2/21/2003 7:31 PM (GMT -6) | | Selah, you're going to give someone a heart attack.
Mouse
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¡Que Payaso!
Registered Member
Date Joined Jul 2001
Total Posts : 108
| Posted 2/22/2003 12:52 AM (GMT -6) | | Two fish are in a tank.
One says to the other "I'll man the cannon, you drive."
Doc: (don't get it)
Silly play on words.
Tank = artificial fish habitat.
Tank = tracked, armored military vehicle.
But I don't get this one:
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was great. (GROAN!)
Payaso 
"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve." - Bilbo Baggins
Edited by - payaso on 02/22/2003 06:10:46 AM | | Back to Top | | |
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honorman
Registered Member
Date Joined Oct 2002
Total Posts : 1137
| Posted 2/22/2003 5:48 AM (GMT -6) | | Why did they send the French to Iraq. To teach them how to surrender.
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johnmd
Registered Member
Date Joined May 2002
Total Posts : 154
| Posted 2/22/2003 8:22 AM (GMT -6) | | 2 guys are hunting and one kills over. His friend in a panic calls 911 and asks the medic what to do. The medic instructs him to be calm and make sure that his friend is dead. Next she hears a loud Caboom! and he says, "OK, I shot him in the head. Now what do I do?"
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Give me a drink. Now give me a mop."
Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac? he stayed up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
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Iconoclast
Registered Member
Date Joined Oct 2001
Total Posts : 1227
| Posted 2/22/2003 12:28 PM (GMT -6) | | Copied from yahoo board:
>>>>>>>>>>>
From the mouths of babes:
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
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After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us bought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
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I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not ino temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."
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A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
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A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
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<<<<<<<<<<<
thanks,
Iconoclast
"The benefit overran the merit the first day, and has overrun the merit ever since. The merit itself, so-called, I reckon part of the receiving." - Ralph Waldo Emerson | | Back to Top | | |
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GregBoyd
Registered Member
Date Joined Jul 2001
Total Posts : 1818
| Posted 2/23/2003 2:11 AM (GMT -6) | | These are GREAT.
May I especially encourage everyone to check out Selah's website. That "magic eye" ghost is... well, you'll see. But you need to turn up the volume and concentrate really hard.
I'm still laughing!
"In Christ...the ONLY THING that matters is faith energized by love." Galatians 5:6 | | Back to Top | | |
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S.B.G.
Registered Member
Date Joined Jan 2003
Total Posts : 143
| Posted 2/23/2003 6:06 AM (GMT -6) | | A blonde, brunette and red head were stranded on a desert island. Suddenly a genie appeared and said "Because there are three of you, I will divide your wishes. You may each have only one."
The Brunette said:"I miss my husband and kids, I wish I could go home!" And POOF she went home.
The Red Head said: "I miss my family too. I wish I could go home." and POOF she went home.
The Blonde looked at the genie and said: "I sure wish my friends were back."
HA!!
My brunette daughter was pleased to tell this joke to my blonde daughter. 
S.B.G.
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Tom
Registered Member
Date Joined Jul 2001
Total Posts : 10353
| Posted 2/24/2003 5:55 AM (GMT -6) | | People here in the Middle East love jokes about men/women relations. I don’t know if the first three were originally told in English and then came into Arabic, but I heard ‘em in Arabic first and they’re pretty funny in Arabic. The fourth one is free.
First Joke
A couple got married in their country village. After the ceremony they hopped in a small wage pulled by one horse and set off to the mountains. After a short while the horse lost his footing and slipped a bit. The groom stopped the wagon, got down, and walk around front of the horse and said, “That’s the FIRST time!” He got back in the wagon and they continued on their way. His bride thought to herself, “Wow. He takes command. Nice.”
A little while later the horse again slipped and the wagon stumbled a bit. The guy stops the wagon, gets down, and again walks around front, and staring in the horse’s eyes says, “That’s the SECOND time!” He then takes his place next to his new wife and they continue on. The wife thinks, “You tell him Hunny! That a boy!”
A few minutes later the horse slips and stumbles a third time. That was it. The groom calmly stops the wagon, get down, takes out his handgun, says to the horse, “That’s the THIRD time!” and shoots him between the eyes. The wife couldn’t believe it. “What are doing?” she shouted, “That was our only horse! How are we gonna get home now? What were you thinking!” The husband put his gun away, looked at his wife in the eyes, and said, “That’s the FIRST time!”
Second Joke
A group of men were sitting together having coffee and playing backgammon. They all started boasting about how they’re in control and how their wives jump when the give the word. One guy, not so fortunate as the others, wanted to make a good impression. He boasted, “I make my wife get on her knees before me every single day!” “No way,” the others replied. “How’s that?” they asked. “That’s right,” he said, “Every day she bows before me.” “Come on!” they said, “How do get her to kneel before you?” He explained, “Well, every day she comes over to our bed, kneels down low before me and says to me, ‘You better come out from under that bed right now or else!”
Third Joke (Gotta make it three for Doc’s threesome thread).
A man dies. He goes to heaven. As he approaches the pearly gates he sees a huge line of men. The line went on as far as the eye could see. They were all standing in a line that had a sign over it that said, “Men who were controlled by their wives.” There was another place for a line which had a sign over it that said, “Men who controlled their wives,” but there were no men standing there. It was completely empty. This guy who died walks past all the men in the first line and stands alone in line for “Men who controlled their wives.” The angel in charge said, “Hold on a minute there! What’s the big idea? Who told you to come stand in this line?” “My wife told me to,” he answered.
One More Joke!
Three ladies are sitting in a sauna at the YWCA. Two of them are business women and are proud of it. There’s a faint ringing noise in the sauna, and one of these two ladies taps the inside of her left arm and the ringing stops. “Sorry,” she says, “That was just my new appointment alarm. It’s a little chip embedded under my skin and synchronized via infra red to my palm pilot each morning. It was just reminding me of an appointment.” A few minutes later there’s another ringing sound. The second working woman open the palm of her hand, places it beside her head, and takes a short phone call. No phone! “Sorry about that,” she apologized, “That’s my new palm cellular. The speaker and receiver are embedded under the inside of my palm. It’s the latest technology.” The third lady is watching all this and, of course, has to do something. So she gets up, walks out of the sauna, and comes in a couple minutes later. When she reenters the sauna, the other two ladies say to her, “Ah, excuse us, but you’ve got toilet paper hanging from your rear end.” “Oh, that’s OK,” she replied, “I’m just receiving a fax.”
Tom
Love never ends | | Back to Top | | |
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BBBCanada
Registered Member
Date Joined Jun 2001
Total Posts : 2763
| Posted 2/24/2003 6:53 AM (GMT -6) | | Here's a joke. 39 people read my "Not recieving notifications" thread. What's up with dat???
Thanks for your interest though. 
Brandon
"Truth is so obscured nowadays and lies so well established that unless we love the truth we shall never recognize it."--Todd Flanders/ Pascal: Talkin' 'bout My Generation | | Back to Top | | |
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might-be-don
Registered Member
Date Joined Jun 2001
Total Posts : 830
| Posted 2/24/2003 7:15 AM (GMT -6) | | Brandon says:quote:
Here's a joke. 39 people read my "Not recieving notifications" thread. What's up with dat???
Around here you can't be sure that doesn't mean you missed the rapture or something.
peace and love, don
---
"No Rules, just Right" Outback Steakhouse | | Back to Top | | |
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Tigress
Registered Member
Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1252
| Posted 2/24/2003 7:54 AM (GMT -6) | | That one with the ghost scared the living crap out of me!!!!!
Tigress
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selah
Registered Member
Date Joined Oct 2001
Total Posts : 1210
| Posted 2/24/2003 12:17 PM (GMT -6) | |
Good Tigress! I certainly didn't want the "living crap" to be IN you!
let's hope it did the same for Greg and Mouse
love
selah
Then He showed me the river whose waters give life, sparkling like crystal, flowing out from the throne of God and of the Lamb. Rev. 22
Edited by - Selah on 02/24/2003 5:20:48 PM | | Back to Top | | |
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BBBCanada
Registered Member
Date Joined Jun 2001
Total Posts : 2763
| Posted 2/24/2003 2:48 PM (GMT -6) | | Tigress,
You better go change your underwear. 
Brandon
"Truth is so obscured nowadays and lies so well established that unless we love the truth we shall never recognize it."--Todd Flanders/ Pascal: Talkin' 'bout My Generation | | Back to Top | | |
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might-be-don
Registered Member
Date Joined Jun 2001
Total Posts : 830
| Posted 2/25/2003 1:21 AM (GMT -6) | | For Doc...
Why didn't the little drummer boy get into heaven?
Because he woke the baby for Christ's sake!
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What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
Gifted.
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Two girls are walking along when they hear...
"Psst! Down here!"
They both look down and see a frog sitting beside the road. The frog says to them, "Hey, if you kiss me I'll turn into a world famous drummer and make you both rich and famous!" The two girls looked at each other, and one of them reached down and grabbed the frog and stuffed it in her pocket.
The other girl said, "What did you do that for?"
The first replied, "I'm not stupid. I know a talking frog is worth heaps more than a famous drummer any day!!!"
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A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordian."
The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay".
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Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.
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Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A drummer.
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Q: How is a drum solo like a sneeze?
A: You can tell it's coming, but you can't do anything about it.
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Q: What does the average drummer get on an IQ test?
A: Drool.
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Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
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Guy goes into a bar and says to the barman "I've got a great drummer joke,shall I tell it?"
"I should let you know first that I'm a drummer", replies the barman.
"That's okay. I'll tell it real slow!"
peace and love, don
---
"No Rules, just Right" Outback Steakhouse | | Back to Top | | |
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BBBCanada
Registered Member
Date Joined Jun 2001
Total Posts : 2763
| Posted 2/27/2003 6:07 AM (GMT -6) | | 47 people have now read my, "Not recieving notifications" thread....HA, HA, HA.... **Brandon shakes his head** Too much!
Brandon
"Truth is so obscured nowadays and lies so well established that unless we love the truth we shall never recognize it."--Todd Flanders/ Pascal: Talkin' 'bout My Generation | | Back to Top | | |
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