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| Open Theism Discussion Board > Public Forums > General Chat > Take a Break and Giggle | Forum Quick Jump
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S.B.G.
Registered Member
Date Joined Jan 2003
Total Posts : 143
| Posted 2/27/2003 6:24 AM (GMT -6) |   | TGB,
The three ladies in the sauna joke---  EEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Tom, how could you?
THAT IS SOOOOO NASTY !!!!
S.B.G.
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BBBCanada
Registered Member
Date Joined Jun 2001
Total Posts : 2763
| Posted 2/27/2003 3:42 PM (GMT -6) | | Top Ten Ways the Amish Party Like it's 1699!
10. Wet bonnet contest.
9. Chug maple syrup until you blow chunks.
8. Cram as many dudes as you can find into a buggy.
7. Buttermilk kegger.
6. Burn past the square dance on a seriously rad Clydesdale.
5. Sleep until 6 a.m.
4. Churn butter in the nude.
3. Consort with the witches off of the cover of a discarded "Which Witch?" game.
2. Squeeze cats to make the "wicky-wicky" sound like rap DJs.
1. Burn Thomas Edison in effigy.
Brandon
"And don't say it's love that broke your heart when you trusted someone. Cause love's the victim, not the crime."--Jody McBrayer, Love Can Break Your Fall www.jodymcbrayer.com | | Back to Top | | |
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BBBCanada
Registered Member
Date Joined Jun 2001
Total Posts : 2763
| Posted 2/28/2003 5:57 AM (GMT -6) | | Ok...one more...
Proposed sequence of Hal Lindsey
Apocalyptic Bestsellers!
The Late, Great Planet Earth
The Later, Greater Planet Earth
The Latest, Greatest Planet of them All
Planet Earth: Overdue and Overdrawn
Planet Earth's Last Stand
Planet Earth: Still Kicking
The Planet that Would Not Quit
Fat Lady Mother Earth is Singing
Planet Earth on Life Support
Pulling the Plug on Planet Earth
Planet Earth: Remember When?
The Never Ending Story of Planet Earth
The Late Great Hal Lindsey
Brandon
"And don't say it's love that broke your heart when you trusted someone. Cause love's the victim, not the crime."--Jody McBrayer, Love Can Break Your Fall www.jodymcbrayer.com | | Back to Top | | |
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S.B.G.
Registered Member
Date Joined Jan 2003
Total Posts : 143
| Posted 2/28/2003 6:28 AM (GMT -6) | | HA!!!!
The Hal Lindsey thing is awesome!!!
Easily the funniest thing on this thread!!
Way to go BBB!
S.B.G.
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PotOnWheel
Registered Member
Date Joined Jul 2001
Total Posts : 9890
| Posted 3/1/2003 5:40 AM (GMT -6) | | NEW YORK (March 1) - Former President Bill Clinton has been tapped for jury duty.
A questionnaire designed to help defense lawyers and prosecutors select a jury for a federal attempted murder case indicated that Prospective Juror No. 142 was actually William Jefferson Clinton.
Although Clinton's name was never revealed at a hearing in federal court in Manhattan on Friday, his answers, read aloud in the courtroom, provided the giveaway.
Under previous jobs held, the respondent answered President of the United States. He also wrote that he thought he could be fair and impartial, despite his ``unusual experience with the O.I.C.,'' or Office of Independent Counsel.
David E. Kendall, Clinton's lawyer, said that Clinton is ready and willing to serve. ``The former president is subject to jury duty, he's done his part, and if selected he would serve,'' Kendall told The New York Times in Saturday editions.
Federal prosecutors and the attorney for the defendant, Dushon Foster, disagreed about whether Prospective Juror No. 142 should be selected for the case. Foster is charged with attempted murder in an alleged gang shooting and could face life in prison, if convicted.
``Any particular question in Questionnaire 142 that you want to direct me to?'' Judge Naomi Reice Buchwald asked the prosecutors, the Times reported.
``All of them, judge,'' a prosecutor, Daniel M. Gitner, said.
``I suspect there has never been anyone who answered yes to so many questions and survived the voir dire process,'' said Buchwald, referring to the next step in the jury selection process - a personal interview that prospective jurors who were not removed by the judge would undergo.
Defense lawyer Roger L. Stavis, disagreed with the prosecution and said that No. 142 should not be immediately disqualified.
But Buchwald, who was appointed by Clinton in 1999, appeared to agree with the prosecutors, citing concerns about sensationalism.
``To have Juror 142 here, with Secret Service protection is to, it seems to me, undermine our efforts to keep the case focused quietly on the evidence,'' the Times cited Buchwald as saying.
Buchwald said if she changed her mind, she would let the prosecutors and defense attorney know by Monday.
03/01/03 09:32 EST
Copyright 2003 The Associated Press. The information contained in the AP news report may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or otherwise distributed without the prior written authority of The Associated Press. All active hyperlinks have been inserted by AOL. | | Back to Top | | |
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Corey
Five with a Four-wing
Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1893
| Posted 3/1/2003 6:25 AM (GMT -6) | | Here's one from my 5-year-old daughter:
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8(ate) 9. | | Back to Top | | |
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Semeia
Registered Member
Date Joined Aug 2001
Total Posts : 522
| Posted 3/1/2003 6:57 PM (GMT -6) | |
For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the points system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed.....+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.....0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....-1
You leave the toilet seat up.....-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty.....0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.....-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom.... -2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings..... +5
In the snow .....+8
But return with beer.....-5
And no liners.....-25
AT NIGHT
You check out a suspicious noise at night.....0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.....0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.....+5
You pummel it with a six iron.....+10
It's her cat.....-40
AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party.....0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College drinking buddy.....-2
Named Tiffany.....-4
Tiffany is a dancer.....-10
With breast implants.....-18
HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday.....0
You buy a card and flowers.....0
You take her out to dinner.....0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.....+1
Okay, it is a sports bar.....-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.....-3
It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team ...-10
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal.....0
The pal is happily married.....+1
The pal is single.....-7
He drives a Ferrari.....-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED).....-15
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie.....+2
You take her to a movie she likes.....+4
You take her to a movie you hate.....+6
You take her to a movie you like.....-2
It's called Death Cop III.....-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans.....-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly.....-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it.....+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts.....-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".....-800
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding.....-10
You reply, "Where?".....-35
You reply, "No, I think it's you’re a$$".....-100
Any other response.....-20
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression.....0
You listen, for over 30 minutes.....+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience.....+ 50
Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well, what do you think I should do?".....-100
You have fallen asleep.....-200
ITS THAT TIME OF THE MONTH
You talk.....-100
You don't talk.....-150
You spend time with her......-200
You don't spend time with her.....-500
You seem to be enjoying yourself..-1000
GAME OVER - YOU LOSE
"The opposite of sin is not virtue, but faith."--Soren Kierkegaard | | Back to Top | | |
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Shenaya
Registered Member
Date Joined Oct 2002
Total Posts : 22
| Posted 3/2/2003 11:21 AM (GMT -6) | | Gosh, this stuff is too good!!! I'm glad I stopped in on this board today!  
I read Semeia's to my husband, and he's still laughin!
~peace and love~
Shenaya
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JimmyGgp
Registered Member
Date Joined Jul 2002
Total Posts : 11
| Posted 3/3/2003 7:56 PM (GMT -6) | | Hi all!
haven't posted in a while, but check this one out:
Q: What do you get when you cross a mormon with a unitarian?
A: Someone who knocks on your door, but he's not sure why.
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Terry_Baxter
Registered Member
Date Joined Jan 2002
Total Posts : 187
| Posted 3/4/2003 4:19 AM (GMT -6) | | A man walks in to a bar. The bartender notices right away that half of his head is made out of a peach.
The bartender says, "I've got to hear this story. Tell me how you got that way, buddy, and the drinks are on me."
The guy says, "Yeah, everyone asks. Ok, I was walking on the beach one day when I saw what looked like a genie bottle. I rubbed it and a genie came out and offered me three wishes."
The bartender is supcicious but lets him continue (after all, half his head is made out of a peach).
"So I asked the genie for a million dollars and, Bam! I'm surrounded on the beach by thousand dollar bills, all mine. Then I ask the genie for a beautiful woman to fall in love with me. Suddenly the most gorgeous woman I've ever laid eyes on poofs right in next to me and starts kissing me."
The bartender prods him, "And then....?"
The guy says, "And with my last wish, well, I always wanted my head to be made out of half a peach."
Terry
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fyodor
Registered Member
Date Joined Dec 2002
Total Posts : 179
| Posted 3/4/2003 7:14 AM (GMT -6) | | HA!
I Love that last one!
†††"To have a self, to be a self, is the greatest concession, an infinite concession, given to man, but it is also eternity's claim upon him." – S. Kierkegaard | | Back to Top | | |
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fyodor
Registered Member
Date Joined Dec 2002
Total Posts : 179
| Posted 3/4/2003 7:39 AM (GMT -6) | | Ok these are just plain horrible, the way I like 'em.
1) The pilot refused to help his church build a platform to set its nativity scene on. He hated creche landings.
2) Moses was a basket case.
3) The fellow traveling in the Middle East had a religious awakening. I guess he Saudi light.
4) On returning from Sunday School, little Johnny told his mother that they sang a song about a bear. His mother, incredulous, asked him to sing it. He began, "Gladly, 'the cross-eyed bear . . .'"
5) At a church meeting, the topic of "Burial or Cremation?" was being discussed. Two of the people got rather worked up. One said to the other, If you have yourself cremated, all you will be doing is making an ash of yourself!" The other replied, "Well, I'm told that petroleum comes from fossilized bones, so if you have yourself buried all you will be doing is making a fuel of yourself.
6) There are no Jehovah's Witnesses in Hungary. They have Buddha pests instead.
7) Jesus Christ had a stable home life.
†††"To have a self, to be a self, is the greatest concession, an infinite concession, given to man, but it is also eternity's claim upon him." – S. Kierkegaard | | Back to Top | | |
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Electra
Registered Member
Date Joined Feb 2002
Total Posts : 611
| Posted 3/4/2003 6:11 PM (GMT -6) | | A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8-year-olds, "What does love mean?" Here are some of the answers they got:
"When my Grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my Grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Rebecca - age 8
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." Karl - age 5
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy - age 6
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4
"Love is when my Mommy makes coffee for my Daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - age 7
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." Bobby - age 5
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend whom you hate." Nikka - age 6
"There are two kinds of love. Our love. God's love. But God makes both kinds of them." Jenny - age 4
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." Noelle - age 7
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6
"My Mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - Age 5
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine - age 5
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." Chris - age 8
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann - age 4
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 4
"I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her." Bethany - age 4
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." Karen - age 7
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross." Mark - age 6
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8
Edited by - Electra on 03/04/2003 11:13:22 PM | | Back to Top | | |
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Corey
Five with a Four-wing
Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1893
| Posted 3/5/2003 1:06 AM (GMT -6) | | An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was.
Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye.
Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional.
About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, "Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it do you?"
The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here." Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest which read:
Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now." | | Back to Top | | |
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trosie
Registered Member
Date Joined Jul 2001
Total Posts : 550
| Posted 3/5/2003 6:55 PM (GMT -6) | | So, this guy goes into a bar and orders a beer...
Bartender gives him a beer and a bowl of nuts. The guy starts drinking
his beer and munches on a few nuts when suddenly he hears a soft voice, "Hey that's a nice tie". The guy looks around and sees no one except the bartender at the other end of the bar. The guy takes another sip of his beer and munches a few more nuts when again he hears the soft voice, "Man you are looking good, have you lost weight?". Dazed and confused, the guy looks around, and only sees the bartender down at the other end of the bar. He has another sip of his beer, a few more nuts, and the same thing happens again, the soft voice, "Wow, where do you buy your clothes? I simply love your jacket". The guy calls the bartender over. "Do you hear voices?" the guy asks nervously. "Voices, Sir?" the bartender asks thinking he's got a weirdo sitting at the bar. "Yeah, voices! Listen to this." says the guy. He sips his beer and munches a handful of nuts. Sure enough there's the soft voice. "Man are you smart or what." "Oh, that",
says the bartender, "its the nuts." "The nuts?", asks the guy. "Yes,"
says the bartender, "they're complimentary." 
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trosie
Registered Member
Date Joined Jul 2001
Total Posts : 550
| Posted 3/5/2003 6:57 PM (GMT -6) | | What's at the beginning of eternity and the end of evermore?
The answer is: The letter "e"
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faith
Registered Member
Date Joined Sep 2001
Total Posts : 34
| Posted 3/15/2003 7:56 PM (GMT -6) | | Each year, the Wahington Post sponsors a competition in which it asks readers to take any word from the dictionary and alter it by adding or subtracting one letter and supplying a new definition. Here are some of the winners:
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when running late.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Edited by - faith on 03/16/2003 12:58:07 AM | | Back to Top | | |
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Laika
Registered Member
Date Joined Mar 2003
Total Posts : 2433
| Posted 3/18/2003 5:17 AM (GMT -6) | | What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
homeless
bada boom
How do you know a drummer is knocking at your door?
he speeds up
bada bing
1 + 1 = 3 for large values of 1 | | Back to Top | | |
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might-be-don
Registered Member
Date Joined Jun 2001
Total Posts : 830
| Posted 3/18/2003 5:48 AM (GMT -6) | | Good to see more drummer jokes...
-----------
I asked my drummer to spell "Mississippi"...
He said, "the river or the state?"
-----------
Q: What do you call 10 drummers sitting in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
-----------
Q: how can you get a drummer off your porch?
A: pay for the pizza!
-----------
"Mom, when I grow up, I want to be a drummer."
His mother scoffs and replies...
"Well, you can't do both."
-----------
If a dollar bill was laying in the center of a room, and the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, a drummer with good time, and a drummer with bad time were standing in the corners, who would get the money?
The drummer with bad time since the other three don't exist.
peace and love, don
---
"No Rules, just Right" Outback Steakhouse | | Back to Top | | |
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might-be-don
Registered Member
Date Joined Jun 2001
Total Posts : 830
| Posted 3/18/2003 5:51 AM (GMT -6) | | Good to see more drummer jokes...
-----------
I asked my drummer to spell "Mississippi"...
He said, "the river or the state?"
-----------
Q: What do you call 10 drummers sitting in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
-----------
Q: how can you get a drummer off your porch?
A: pay for the pizza!
-----------
"Mom, when I grow up, I want to be a drummer."
His mother scoffs and replies...
"Well, you can't do both."
-----------
If a dollar bill was laying in the center of a room, and the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, a drummer with good time, and a drummer with bad time were standing in the corners, who would get the money?
The drummer with bad time since the other three don't exist.
peace and love, don
---
"No Rules, just Right" Outback Steakhouse | | Back to Top | | |
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Laika
Registered Member
Date Joined Mar 2003
Total Posts : 2433
| Posted 3/18/2003 5:57 AM (GMT -6) | | [quote]
Good to see more drummer jokes...
-----------
Hey, did you hear about the drummer who finished high school?
Me neither.
_________________________
1 + 1 = 3 for large values of 1 | | Back to Top | | |
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Laika
Registered Member
Date Joined Mar 2003
Total Posts : 2433
| Posted 3/19/2003 6:48 AM (GMT -6) | | Equal time for guitarists. What pedal to get your favorite guitarist:
_________________________
1 + 1 = 3 for large values of 1 | | Back to Top | | |
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GregBoyd
Registered Member
Date Joined Jul 2001
Total Posts : 1818
| Posted 3/19/2003 10:26 AM (GMT -6) | | Out of the mouth of little children God has perfected praise.
3-year-old, Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in
heaven, Harold is His name.
Amen."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you
can't make me a better
boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good
time like I am."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A. Sunday school class was studying the Ten
Commandments. They were ready to
discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone
could tell her what it
was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,
"Thou shall not take
the covers off the neighbor's wife."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My favorite -
After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the
way home in the back seat of the car. His father
asked him three times what
was wrong. Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher
said he wanted us
brought up in a
Christian home, and
I wanted to stay
with you guys."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter,
Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer
for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat
after me the lines from
the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo.
I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated
each word right up to the
end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation,"
she prayed,
"but deliver
us some E-mail.
Amen."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
and one particular four-year-old prayed,
"And
forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they
were on the way to
church service, "And why is it necessary to be
quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are
sleeping."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel
were sitting together
in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not
supposed to talk out
loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel
asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
"See those two men
standing by the door?
They're hushers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin,
5, Ryan 3. The boys
began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the
opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were
sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"
Kevin turned to his
younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children when the
four- year-old son ran
up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay
dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the
son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God
throw him back down?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table,
she turned to their
six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to
say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife
answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on
earth did I invite all
these people to dinner?"
"In Christ...the ONLY THING that matters is faith energized by love." Galatians 5:6 | | Back to Top | | |
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might-be-don
Registered Member
Date Joined Jun 2001
Total Posts : 830
| Posted 3/25/2003 8:54 AM (GMT -6) | | | | |
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fyodor
Registered Member
Date Joined Dec 2002
Total Posts : 179
| Posted 3/25/2003 6:04 PM (GMT -6) | | From the book 101 Unuseless Japanese Inventions by Kenji Kawakami
†††"To have a self, to be a self, is the greatest concession, an infinite concession, given to man, but it is also eternity's claim upon him." – S. Kierkegaard | | Back to Top | | |
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