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Mayflower
Registered Member
Date Joined Mar 2002
Total Posts : 445
| Posted 12/13/2004 6:50 AM (GMT -6) |   | .
Stand strong, Sister.
Your requests are reasonable. Sometimes when we attempt to set healthy boundaries (as you did), the response will be (negative!) RESISTANCE .
Boundry-challenged people are accustomed to getting what they want (sooner or later; one way or another!); and, they don't typically give up their entrenched habits willingly.
Expect a struggle -- excuses, denial, and all manner of 'justification' regarding why you are wrong; and, why they should be allowed to continue with the status quo.
I know that it takes courage to confront the ongoing behavior of someone who has caused sorrow (or, continued strife/turmoil in our lives); or, to set boundaries with a co-worker or friend who habitually encroaches upon your rights, time or space. I admire you for doing so. Hold your ground.
Have you read any of the books on "Boundaries," by Cloud & Townsend?
They can help set you free...!
In the past, "Shepard Book & Tape" at Woodland Hills Church used to stock at
least one of the Cloud/Towsend books; however, I believe that the entire series is available at most Christian book stores.
You will be in my prayers.
And, I do hope that you will be able to go home
for Christmas...
Peace & blessings,
<><
Tigress wrote:
quote:
Hi All,
I just confronted my mom about her alcoholism for like the umpteenth time in an email so I could use prayer for healing. My brother and I had to endure a lot of crap growing up with our parents and her excessive drinking was one thing.
I could also use prayer for a situation with my co-worker. She's ticked at me for going home for Christmas since I already went home at Thanksgiving. I only get to drive down to Chicago about 4 times a year which is NOT unreasonable but she's being a pain about it because she says her work will pile up. I typically take the calls, faxes and type up shipping labels for everyone here, and except for the phone calls she could easily tell everyone that she simply can't do that because of her own work load, but she doesn't seem to have enough confidence to do that, so instead she complains at me about my going home for a few days.
Please pray for these situations
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Tigress
Registered Member
Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1252
| Posted 12/13/2004 7:01 AM (GMT -6) | | I have a lot of my own boundary issues too, so I certainly can't say that I'm perfect or any better than she is. She probably just blew up at me because I'm guilty of making her workload more difficult each day because I get to work late most days. I've been cronically late to work for like 4 years now, and recently she's been given more responsibilities, so when I come in like 15 minutes late almost every day, she's calculated that her having to do much of the stuff that I'm supposed to do during the time that I'm not there causes her work to back up about 3-4 hours per week. So, her anger at me about that is justified. But, my taking my vacation time whenever I want to is a separate issue so I'm not going to budge on it.
[quote]Originally posted by Mayflower
.
Stand strong, Sister.
Your requests are reasonable. Sometimes when we attempt to set healthy boundaries (as you did), the response will be (negative!) RESISTANCE .
Boundry-challenged people are accustomed to getting what they want (sooner or later; one way or another!); and, they don't typically give up their entrenched habits willingly.
Expect a struggle -- excuses, denial, and all manner of 'justification' regarding why you are wrong; and, why they should be allowed to continue with the status quo.
I know that it takes courage to confront the ongoing behavior of someone who has caused sorrow (or, continued strife/turmoil in our lives); or, to set boundaries with a co-worker or friend who habitually encroaches upon your rights, time or space. I admire you for doing so. Hold your ground.
Have you read any of the books on "Boundaries," by Cloud & Townsend?
They can help set you free...!
In the past, "Shepard Book & Tape" at Woodland Hills Church used to stock at
least one of the Cloud/Towsend books; however, I believe that the entire series is available at most Christian book stores.
You will be in my prayers.
And, I do hope that you will be able to go home
for Christmas...
Peace & blessings,
<><
Tigress 
"Name a shrub after me. Preferably one that's prickly and difficult to eradicate."
-Captain Jack Aubrey
"Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World" | | Back to Top | | |
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Mayflower
Registered Member
Date Joined Mar 2002
Total Posts : 445
| Posted 12/13/2004 8:30 AM (GMT -6) | | .
Greetings, Tigress:
The holidays are a wonderful time of the year, full of celebration and joy.
However, the stress of juggling schedules & and getting everything accomplished to "make it all come together," (etc., etc.) can take a real toll at times...
I sincerely hope you are able to work through the assorted details to go back home for Christmas.
God bless...
And, I will keep you in my prayers.
<><
quote:
Tigress wrote:
....So, her anger at me about that is justified.
But, my taking my vacation time whenever I want to is a separate issue so I'm not going to budge on it.
.
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Tigress
Registered Member
Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1252
| Posted 12/13/2004 12:00 PM (GMT -6) | | In the meantime...my mom wrote me back and as usual doesn't want to own up to her mistakes. She claims that she only drinks as a crutch and she doesn't believe that using alchohol as a crutch is alchoholism. Yet, I tried to point out to her that emotionally healthy people don't run to alchohol when they're upset or depressed. They seek appropriate ways to deal with those things, like counseling, exercise, prayer, etc. I don't care if she drinks moderately every day, but if she's using alchohol as a way to make her feel better, she is an alchoholic. She'd always drink like 2 to 4 cups of vodka a night - maybe more. Tell me that's not excessive!
quote:
Originally posted by Mayflower
.
Greetings, Tigress:
The holidays are a wonderful time of the year, full of celebration and joy.
However, the stress of juggling schedules & and getting everything accomplished to "make it all come together," (etc., etc.) can take a real toll at times...
I sincerely hope you are able to work through the assorted details to go back home for Christmas.
God bless...
And, I will keep you in my prayers.
<><
quote:
Tigress wrote:
....So, her anger at me about that is justified.
But, my taking my vacation time whenever I want to is a separate issue so I'm not going to budge on it.
.
Tigress
"Name a shrub after me. Preferably one that's prickly and difficult to eradicate."
-Captain Jack Aubrey
"Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World" | | Back to Top | | |
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Mayflower
Registered Member
Date Joined Mar 2002
Total Posts : 445
| Posted 12/14/2004 7:51 AM (GMT -6) | | .
Greetings, Tigress:
For what it's worth...
My husband once told me of a conversation that he'd had with
a neighborhood acquaintance -- who, in a drunken rage, castigated his wife and teenage children because they had recently stated that they believed he could be an alcoholic.
Their personal life was in shambles; and, the children feared & detested their father. After years of pain & struggle, the family begged him to seek professional help. The wife had also explained that if he chose not to seek help, they would have to remove themselves from the abusive environment.
The man was enraged -- vehemently denying that he truly met the "criteria for alcoholism," because he didn't because he didn't fulfill category x, y and z. (He met criteria a through w).
My husband calmly explained that it isn't important if a person is an 'alcoholic' or not. What's important is the effect that the alcohol has on the lives of those who are involved.
If alcohol is causing problems in a person's life; or,
in the lives of others -- THAT PERSON HAS A 'DRINKING PROBLEM'.
.
---------
I thought this was a good way to broach the relevant aspect of the issue; without having to dwell on The "A" Word...
Tigress wrote:
.
quote:
In the meantime...my mom wrote me back and as usual doesn't want to own up to her mistakes. She claims that she only drinks as a crutch and she doesn't believe that using alchohol as a crutch is alchoholism. Yet, I tried to point out to her that emotionally healthy people don't run to alchohol when they're upset or depressed. They seek appropriate ways to deal with those things, like counseling, exercise, prayer, etc. I don't care if she drinks moderately every day, but if she's using alchohol as a way to make her feel better, she is an alchoholic. She'd always drink like 2 to 4 cups of vodka a night - maybe more. Tell me that's not excessive!
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Mayflower
Registered Member
Date Joined Mar 2002
Total Posts : 445
| Posted 12/14/2004 11:04 AM (GMT -6) | | .
.
quote:
To reiterate:
If alcohol is causing problems in a person's life; or,
in the lives of others -- THAT PERSON HAS A 'DRINKING PROBLEM'.
.
.
I hear you, Sister.
No, it isn't fair that your family has experienced the (unnecessary) stress & worry that this ongoing behavior has caused. I am truly sorry that you and your brother have suffered...
Take care, Tigress; and
May God bless you and those you love...
<><
.
Post Script:
'The Refuge' (Thursday night at Woodland Hills Church), serves as a supportive "community" for so many people.
Just thinking aloud here, but I wonder if anyone has yet considered the need to start a 'support group' for family members (including the adult children) of alcoholics?? Or, do you think those needs are already being met elsewhere?
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Mayflower
Registered Member
Date Joined Mar 2002
Total Posts : 445
| Posted 12/14/2004 12:05 PM (GMT -6) | | .
Tigress wrote:
quote:
I just confronted my mom about her alcoholism for like the umpteenth time ...
She knows that you love her; or, you wouldn't have cared enough to continue talking to her about her drinking.
And, I am glad that both you and your mother have support groups to lift you up in prayer; and, to "be there" for you...
Peace & blessings,
<><
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trosie
Registered Member
Date Joined Jul 2001
Total Posts : 550
| Posted 12/14/2004 12:18 PM (GMT -6) | | Hi Tigress,
I wanted to let you know that I am praying for you. I will be praying for your mother too.
God's blessings,
trosie | | Back to Top | | |
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trosie
Registered Member
Date Joined Jul 2001
Total Posts : 550
| Posted 12/15/2004 6:52 AM (GMT -6) | | quote:
It really hurts that she thinks I'm just twisting everything and making stuff up just to hurt her. It really hurts that she doesn't want to simply admit that she made these hurtful mistakes towards me. It really hurts that what I feel and went through is being completely invalidated by her denial
Gosh, Tigress, I know how that feels. My mom is an alcoholic too. I have learned to let her go -- very difficult to do. We cannot force a person to change. Denial is a very strong agent and sometimes a person needs to live in denial to exist. The truth can hurt too much. Do you know what I mean?
Go to Jesus with your hurts, Tigress. Jesus is ALWAYS there. He has been there for me in the middle of the night. He is there for you ALL the time and he knows what you're feeling and how disappointed and hurt you are.
I will be praying.
trosie | | Back to Top | | |
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