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Originally posted by 1way

Jo-Anne - Thank you. I'm happy to hear that your son is doing well, and for all your words of encouragement and prayers. Please forgive me for being so honest, this is a depressing post, but such is life.

My accident didn't have anything to do with me going to church or not. My not going to church was a new add on idea that happened to be congruent with my struggles. They do not believe in God like I do, they teach things that I believe are contrary to scripture. That is the main reason. Also being an over the road truck driver used to make local church going very difficult too.

So now I have all the time in the world, but I don't do what I should do, I do what is more comfortable. I minister to others because there is hope there, I can make a positive difference in my life and hopefully those around me.

That is inspiring about the man with tourettes. I keep holding on for hope, but hope in something that is not realized, or hope in something that will not happen is not very encouraging. I have great faith and hope in God, but He is not primarily concerned with me and my problems, I know He cares, but I very much wonder if God also does not know how to specifically help someone like me. Being open view is very telling on this note. For example, some Christians actually pray to God for a spouse, like the Lord has one picked out for them, and they are praying that such a person just come into their life. I am not like that, I think that God would say, I don't know who you are going to marry, you are the one who has to live with them, so you need to make up your own mind about such a personal thing. So yes I have faith in God, and yes I believe God will help me and guide me and others around me during this whole process, on the other hand, I believe I have to find my way through this life. I give God all the praise and glory, but God gives me the responsibility for my own doings.

What makes matters sort compounded for me, in an current or timely sort of sense, is that I met someone who has left a good impression upon me, a lady that I believe could possibly be someone I could love and so on, but, plainly because of my way in life, I am disqualified for her even though I know that within me is something of worth that I believe she might want for herself too. Now don't get me wrong, this is all so theoretical or general, it's just an idea about this lady, I really can not pursue because of my problems in life, and so I am torn. So, here I am, seeing the very sort of thing that I really want in my life, and I feel like it's a hopeless cause, my troubles are too great, but a small amount of hope keeps me going. If this hadn't happened, I might not have reached out for help the same way I did. I want to have a family someday, I believe that it is possible, but I just don't see how.

Similarly, I want to start a bible study in my area and welcome people over to my apartment, but I can not because it is in a shambles.

God also connects us with a sense of lack. I am so without, I am so sorry for the destructive mistakes I have made in my own life. I am sorry.

My troubles in life

When I was young, my dad abducted me and sent me to a religious reformatory, so I never completely High School.

My life was already broken or breaking so I turned to the drug scene (smoked weed for about 9 years) (age ~15-25)

Then I became tired of that dead end street and went into the service (Navy) with an aim to straighten out my life

But I became sadly disillusioned with the benefits partly because of my own mistakes and fell back into old habits so I got kicked out of the service for doing drugs, but that is not all. (age ~25-28)

My buddy who sort of helped me to party again ended up getting involved in a crime and then ended up getting me involved with it before it was all over, my life was a mess and I was somewhat vulnerable so I messed it up even more. He stole military ID cards and found a way to make money off of them. And military ID cards is a serious issue involving national security. So I got a BCD (bad conduct discharge, which is one of the worst discharges you can get) and a felony record as well. Also, during this time the one member in my family that really cared for me died, my father died in 87, but I was blessed to have our relationship greatly restored before he died. I knew his love and blessing.

That is a terrible thing for your earnings potential. Most people will not give you a second chance, instead they are unconditionally unforgiving.

I struggled to make a living for the next 10 years or so, and then stumbled upon the next trauma in my life. I became a dislocated worker, and so the State of Indiana offered to send me to school. They held up a 2-3 thousand dollar carrot if I was interested in some sort of job training, so I bit, but again, I made mistakes but moreso the way I was treated was more of the problem. Long story short, I lost about 75k through school loan debt and lost wages while going to school full time for 2.5 years. This combined with my felony is the two main things that I can not overcome, that constantly weigh me down and make domestic life unbearable. (95-97')

I did not graduate with a 2 year Associates degree, I'm missing several classes worth even though I went full time for over 2 years, and yet having an associates in computer science is hardly worth the effort. A (4 year) Bachelors is where things really start to help your income potential.

Immediately after getting out of college, I drove myself down to Amerillo TX and took 2 months of truck driver training. Which started me out into a career with fairly high earnings potential. (97')

I drove truck off and on since then, but then I finally found that job that I felt was the best job I ever had. (02')

But my home life was suffering, I needed more home time, so I quite driving full time and was going to take off of work for quite some time in order to work at home and get my house in order so to speak. But on my last run, I had this accident, the insurance totaled the whole thing, truck, trailer and load, so although I can legally drive truck for anyone who will hire me, I can not drive for that particular company for 3 years because of insurance risk factors. (04')

Since then my back has been hurting such that I can't see myself doing many jobs that I used to be willing and able to do.

My money is running out, no decent jobs in sight, I'll probably be working for below poverty wages and I just don't see much hope for better. I want to provide well for myself so that when I finally am able to have a family, I could support them too. But as it is, I can't even go into ministry, the very thing that I love, because of my huge debt load. And I can't hardly get a decent computer related white collar job, because I'm a criminal, who can not find it within myself to not tell the truth about my felony when they ask about it. Typically factory jobs don't even care, if you are a physical laborer, jail time is not such a big thing, but if you are going to sit inside an office and be an intellectual part of their company, they want no felonies.

So I am stuck, terribly so.

I can't hardly believe I even said all this. I'm 40 years old! I wanted to get married by the time I was 20. I've lived an amazing life, but one filled with way more downs than ups, way more disappointments and mistakes and regrets than otherwise. I have plenty to offer to people, but I can not hardly even take care of myself. I mostly try to forget about it, and dwell on others, dwell on God, dwell on what is good, but then that is a pattern that keeps me from helping myself. I am such a ruined man.

Cheery blessings!

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Originally posted by 1way

Jo-Anne - Well, there is one unwritten lesson I am getting from all this. You are and I are of largely different doctrinal backgrounds, but yet Christ is able to work in our lives regardless of these obstacles. i.e. Just maybe I could find a local church where someone might be willing and able to spend some time with me. However that process would likely take weeks and months. I need a jumpstart presently, I've needed it for some time now.

(Jo-Anne) You're welcome in Canada, anytime!

(1 Way) Thanks for the comments about my bravery and all. But I must say, a significant part of my willingness to share has to do with giving up. I have to accept the fact that no really helpful response will come, and in that resignation, then I say, ok, so what then, I'll just share, it will be understood, and nothing much will come of it. ... Yet, conversely, I know that if I do not open up and deal with this and seek help, then no help can happen at all. So my actions are not altogether as good as they may seem.

(Jo-Anne) Yup, it's a real Catch-22 alright, but I still think it takes courage. Even out of desperation-being vulnerable feels like a risk. I guess that's why I reacted so strongly to the judge/judge not thing 1 Way - because I've seen believers make themselves vulnerable, then be cut to the ground by well-meaning believers. You are doing what you know to do, and I pray that you will be surprised at how God meets the needs in your life. I pray that it will be more satisfying than anything you could ever hope for or ask for. He knows the desires of your heart, and I believe He's already answering - perhaps beginning right here.

(1 Way) We dispensationalists are rare people, so we all look out after one another trying to help everyone have as much fellowship and encouragement as possible.

(Jo-Anne) Refresh my memory 1 Way. What is a dispensationalist. I have a Southern Baptist background, now non-denom. I "should" know, but...up until a couple of years ago, pretty much let others teach me, instead of finding these things out for myself.

(1 Way) We are all sort of like a bunch of little preachers and teachers. It makes me laugh to think of it. They/we are such a wonderful group of believers. And so gracious too. I see the need to spread the good news rightly divided, and I want to do what I can, and I know how I can do that, but my problems in life are just too burdensome.

(Jo-Anne) Life can be overwhelming at times. I have discovered that whatever position you hold to theologically - it has to make sense and work practically in your life (and hold true to the Word, and especially the picture that we have of the Father in Jesus Christ). My views have changed dramatically over the past couple of years, but then again, so has my walk with the Father. I am passionate about Him, about prayer, and I'm no longer afraid to do the things He has asked me to do in my life. 1 Way, I have a number of books that I have been given by the printers to give away (my books). I would like to send you one if you don't mind. I've already sent one to another friend on the board. If you feel comfortable giving me an address to send it to, I'll fire it off in the mail this week. I think it would encourage you. It was inspired by the dramatic change that took place in my life about 2 and a half years ago. It's small, easy reading, and definitely not profoundly "theological." My prayer was that it be used to encourage believers. Sparknheart has it as well. The book is called "A Wing Tip" and is prose (some poetry), non-fiction, inspirational - basically my insights about the Father during this time. But, I would only send it if you recognize that it's not a gift, because it is one of the number allotted to give away - and I would like to give you one. And I would like to continue praying for you. I know how important that is.

(1 Way) As to my being disqualified from having a family, it's because I am the bread winner, not the debt imposer. I am supposed to be willing and able to take care of myself, and then on top of that, take care of my would be family. My entire life shows that I am not successful in the first chore, rather, I am a failure.

(Jo-Anne) 1 Way - there are no "failures" in the Father's eyes. You are righteous, complete in Him. You are His prize possession. Please don't allow yourself to refer to yourself as a failure. (Step one! Smile).


1 Way - God is far more compassionate than most people realize, far more merciful. He understands what has taken place in your life, what your circumstances are right now, He knows your heart. He wants you to see yourself as He sees you. Everytime you talk about yourself like that, you'll be chastised by me! He doesn't see you that way - at all!

(1 Way) Money/debt is my master, and I am it's slave. I am NOT even free to go into ministry, let alone free to take care of a family that I can not reasonably support.

(Jo-Anne) What seems impossible to us, is more than possible for God. As Dr Boyd's books says, He is "The God of the Possible." He knows each and every possibility, as though it were the only possibility, and He can respond to each and every event in our lives, as though it were the only event... He is passionate about you. And He can put a spark in someone's heart to see what He sees in you.

(1 Way) I HAVE A FELONY, that means I can't earn much money because the better jobs are not open for me. I HAVE A HUGE debt load, which means that I am not free to do whatever I want, I am bound, not free, I am enslaved, not free, I literally signed away many years of my life when I went into debt the way I did. These are not theoretical problems, these are real world unavoidable obstacles.

(Jo-Anne) Forgive me 1 Way, but I am the eternal optimist. I have needed to be. If I shared my life's story with you, you would see why. Obstacles are not obstacles to Him - only possibilities. What kinds of jobs have you done? What would you like to do? What would you do with your life, if there were no obstacles? I guess I'm a bit of a dreamer as well, but I have discovered that the Father is the greatest dreamer of all, so it's alright to dream.

(1 Way) Sure, theoretically speaking, some woman somewhere might love me despite all these my problems, someone who is what(?) more desperate than I am (eeeuuuu chuckles, that is not a pretty picture), or someone who has lots of money (that sounds sorta nice, but in terms of likeliness, I think I'd rather count on the rapture happening first).

(Jo-Anne) Or, someone who sees your heart the way the Father sees it, and loves you just for that - someone more wonderful than you could imagine. Having said that though, I realize that life is not a fairy tale, that frogs don't always turn into princes, that sleepy beautys don't always awaken when you kiss them, that mermaids don't really exist. We live in a less than perfect world, and I have discovered that the only one who can meet the deep needs of my life - is Him. He is the love of my life.

(1 Way) Jo-Anne, I have great love and a strong commitment to offer, and I want to graciously bless and raise a wonderful godly family that would honor the Lord, and I am willing to give whatever it takes to make that happen, I want my love (would be wife/family) to be cared for in the best ways possible,,, but hopes and dreams and wishes are not the substance of real life, they only are part of it. Far more real and substantial than all my hopes and dreams, is my ugly felony, is my ugly debt load, is my failing "domestic concerns" track record.

(Jo-Anne) 1 Way, cancel your ugly felony, your ugly debt load, and "failing "domestic concerns" track record. He has. You may still need to deal with some of the practical implications from these, but you can still do that and be free inside from those things. Sounds like you desire and have a lot to offer someone. Capitalize on that. I believe if you focus on who you are in Him, and what you have as a result of that relationship - that you will have power to walk in it, and someone will be attracted to you, as they see that in your life. Most women don't want as much as you think.

(1 Way) The way I figure it, my debt load has me bound up for the rest of my life. I see no reasonable way to bet out of it this side of the grave. Prior to the accident, I might have felt hope to be able to get married perhaps around age 50 or so. Now, with my back hurting and loss of higher income, it truly seems hopeless.

(Jo-Anne) Have you sought help for your back? Again, I'll pray for you. That I can do.

(1 Way) I suppose I'm still working through all this. I have done a lot of healing over the years, to the point that I mostly just need to get out of debt and show myself to be a trustworthy bread winner. And again I loose. I don't need a new place to live (I like my apartment and location for the time being), I need to start living again. I need personal encouragement, not a moving party, although helping hands would be nice too. I just need someone who will care.

(Jo-Anne) You have people who care (me included). You can do this. It's "doable." I feel like I'm doing a pep rally here. Please know that I hear the pain you're in, and am not trying to give all the quick, fix it solutions that I can think of. I'm just sharing from my heart, unedited, in the hopes that God will take something I say, and encourage you...and who knows? The possibilities are endless...

(1 Way) My biggest encouragement is what I found at the conference. I enjoy people. I am just blessed being around people, I need to make my life more accessible to people. But it is so hard to do. I need help getting started. My get up and go, has got up and went.

(Jo-Anne) Glad you went to the conference and that it was such an encouragement 1 Way. There's another one coming up by the sounds of it in September at Shipshewana, IN. Sounds like a good one. What was your conference about?

God Bless,
Jo-Anne

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Originally posted by 1way

Everyone, have a happy 4th!

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Originally posted by 1way

Jo-Anne - Thanks for the update. Have a good trip.

I'm sort of up in arms about life, I have to get a job SOON, and my life is in so much disarray. Thanks for the book offer, I appreciate it, but I can not see myself spending time with it, I have so much to do you would not believe (ugh), and to study and so on. Thanks for offering what you have, your thoughts and time have been much appreciated.

Judging will always be there. Ye who is spiritual judges all things. Judge not is a teaching for the hypocrite or ungodly/unrighteous judgment.

Joh 7:24 "Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment."

I think that God judged rightly when He teaches us to judge.

Blessings,
1Way

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Originally posted by 1way

I presume that its one of the most popular pastimes in Christianity, to make Jesus out to being nicer than He was...

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for they know not what they do (!)

1Co 2:8 ... for had they known, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory.

1Ti 1:13 although I was formerly a blasphemer, a persecutor, and an insolent man; but I obtained mercy because I did [it] ignorantly in unbelief.

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Mt 16:4 "A wicked and adulterous generation seeks after a sign, and no sign shall be given to it except the sign of the prophet Jonah." And He left them and departed.

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(Father forgive them) for they know not what they do (!)

Ignorance abrogates moral culpability. They were ignorant that they were for killing The Christ, the Lord and Savior.
1Co 2:8 ... for had they known, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory.

1Ti 1:13 although I was formerly a blasphemer, a persecutor, and an insolent man; but I obtained mercy because I did [it] ignorantly in unbelief.

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Mr 8:27 Now Jesus and His disciples went out to the towns of Caesarea Philippi; and on the road He asked His disciples, saying to them, "Who do men say that I am?"
28 So they answered, "John the Baptist; but some say, Elijah; and others, one of the prophets."
29 He said to them, "But who do you say that I am?" Peter answered and said to Him, "You are the Christ."
30 Then He strictly warned them that they should tell no one about Him.

1Co 2:2 For I determined not to know anything among you except Jesus Christ and Him crucified.
... 7 But we speak the wisdom of God in a mystery, the hidden [wisdom] which God ordained before the ages for our glory,
8 which none of the rulers of this age knew; for had they known, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory.

Ac 9:4 Then he fell to the ground, and heard a voice saying to him, "Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting Me?"
5 And he said, "Who are you, Lord?" Then the Lord said, "I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting. It is hard for you to kick against the goads."

Ac 22:3 "I am indeed a Jew, born in Tarsus of Cilicia, but brought up in this city at the feet of Gamaliel, taught according to the strictness of our fathers’ law, and was zealous toward God as you all are today.
4 "I persecuted this Way to the death, binding and delivering into prisons both men and women,

Ac 9:1 Then Saul, still breathing threats and murder against the disciples of the Lord, went to the high priest

Ga 1:13 For ye have heard of my conversation in time past in the Jews’ religion, how that beyond measure I persecuted the church of God, and wasted <4199> it:

Ga 1:23 But they had heard only, That he which persecuted us in times past now preacheth the faith which once he destroyed <4199>.

1Ti 1:13 although I was formerly a blasphemer, a persecutor, and an insolent man; but I obtained mercy because I did [it] ignorantly in unbelief.

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