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Mephi2K
Registered Member
Date Joined Jun 2001
Total Posts : 713
| Posted 3/15/2002 6:47 AM (GMT -6) |   | Meph Faces the Great Abyss...and Smiles
Check it out, y'all. Here's just some things I've been thinking about. I remember about 2 years ago, I was talking to my friend about the meaning of life. This is when I was still delving deeply into atheistic writings and what have you. And I remember thinking about facing naturalistic atheism...and it's greatest bane: oblivion. It seemed that if that is the way things were, if we lived on this planet only to DIE and become nothing, then life itself was completely absurd and meaningless. Everything was futile. Not only that, but existentialism seemed like a joke. I likened it unto a situation of a sinking ship where death of all hands on board was certain...but yet people still went about straightening chairs, playing cards, or even checking various meters...even though in a couple of hours, NONE of the efforts would really matter. Of course, some people would say...
"Hey, we have the future of the human race to live for. The great things we have not yet seen our children do. We can make the world a better place for them!"
But this seemed utterly stupid too. Yeah. Working inch by painful inch to make the world better, when ALL it would take is either an idiot with an itchy finger on a nuclear weapon or a random meteor shower to end all of humanity's accomplishments...in the face of an uncaring, unconcerned universe. Riiiight. Not to mention that the track record of human beings weren't too hot to begin with. Nah, my faith in humanity and its achievement was just not high enough to like this.
So for a while, I fell into the old Christian apologist trap...
"Well, if God doesn't exist, then NOTHING matters. Everything is up for grabs 'cause nothing means anything. Why continue living at all??"
But after a time, I began to really think about this. Nothing matters? But don't I matter? I mean yes, I know that in the broad scheme of the universe, I am like LESS than nothing...and that my existence or non-existence doesn't matter that much at all. But in some wierd sense, don't I matter? Doesn't my life have worth...TO ME?? I mean sure, no one ELSE has to think my life matters...but don't I think it matters? Hmmm...I think I do. I couldn't seem to shake the notion that the fact that I was, in fact an "I" meant something profound. "I" existed. Not he, she, it, or they. I.
Suddenly, I began to see that me proclaiming the meaninglessness of my life and its circumstances in the face of absolute, undeniable absurdity is JUST AS FALLACIOUS a thought as the silly fatalist who DECIDES to act like a fatalist. You can't stop the "I"!
I live.
I think.
I create.
I hurt.
I laugh.
I die.
This would be enough for me to QUESTION meaninglessness, but guess what? We humans happen to be social creatures. "I"s that interact can become WEs. Sure, we can somewhat isolate ourselves to form THEYs, but still the idea stands that we can interact socially.
NOW we really have something.
WE live.
WE think.
WE create.
WE hurt.
WE laugh.
WE die.
Surely, this counted for something. "But what about the entire MEANINGLESSNESS of it all?" a voice said. "Doesn't there NEED to be a God for meaning?" "God provides a telos, a reason." I replies. Then I saw it oh-so-clearly!
Wait a damn minute! What in the world does a REASON FOR BEING have to do with personal MEANING? Let's say for the sake of argument that I was made by a creator for a certain purpose. Let's even say that I fulfill that purpose. Is THAT what gives my life meaning...or does it just mean that my life was part of a purpose outside of myself? Wouldn't this only be MEANINGFUL for my life if I decided to ACCEPT that equivocation of having meaning and having a reason for being? Heck, I could be created for the comic relief of some bored deity. Am I supposed to say that THAT's my meaning? What about my hopes, my fears, my dreams, my nastiness, my abominations? What about all that? What about ME? To accept this "reason for being" as my MEANING, I'd have to say that none of the above really mattered...not even to ME. But darnit, I CAN'T say that. It DOES really matter to me. No matter how much I want to say it doesn't, I know that it does.
And what about people I care about? And those I don't care about so much? Don't I somehow contribute to THEIR sense of "I", like they do to mine? Isn't what we create together in some small way adding something to this precious universe? Won't, in some miniscule way, the universe INDEED take note of and miss my passing...even if the endpoint of all existence is absolute entropy?
And I came to the answer...Heck, yeah.
Now, came the really hard part. The implications. If I was saying that I truly didn't NEED some ONTOLOGICAL center of the universe to provide my meaning, wouldn't this be tacitly admitting that I didn't feel that I needed God? I mean, this was a BIGGIE. I mean after all, Paul was big on the life after. That was his hope. He's the one who said that if it were JUST FOR THIS LIFE that they followed Christ that they were to be pitied, right? Then there was Qoholeth, who asserted that the meaning of life was ALL about following God's commands.
But my thoughts carried...
I found that I didn't really need God as some type of coping mechanism for a fear of non-being. Because I didn't FEAR non-being. Nor did I fear meaninglessness, because I ALWAYS had meaning as long as I had my "I-ness" and the capacity for "WE-ness" Other thoughts came. I found that I really didn't need God for morality. I had been a fan of moral objectivism for quite some time and felt that it did a really good providing a line of virtue morality without any deity. Without the goadig carrots of eternal life, meaning, and morality, it seemed that the only thing left was the fear of hell. Eternal separation from God. And, honestly, THAT one was a biggie. Wouldn't I "need" God in THAT capacity? Pascal's Wager came to mind. But I kept thinking...
"IF God exists, I don't even really know if God is ultimately like I BELIEVE Him to be. I could still be the case that I am believing in the WRONG god...and still go to a 'hell' Or it could be the case that BELIEVING, I still get sent...just for no good reason. Or what about UNIVERSALISM. It could be the case that even NOT believing during this life, God accepts me."
With this ambiguity factored in, I found it hard to say that I "needed" God even in THIS wise (maining meaning needing to believe in a God for reasons of His eternal acceptance) Hedging bets wouldn't work here. I could possibly end up in the same fate whether or NOT I believed in a God. Just like the agnostic argument against a fear of death used by Socrates states, the state of death is the great UNKNOWN. It may be the worst of things or the best of things. Why try to "need" something to lessen the anxiety of this fact...when the "needed" something really doesn't even accomplish that aim.
Ah, but what about divine providence. Surely, we needed God's protection in this life. But wait. It seems that one of the main things that all theodicy people try to figure out is why good things happen to bad people and vice versa. As much as we clammored about God's protection, it STILL seemed like tragedy and triumph could happen to anyone at anytime. Sure, we could do certain things to give ourselves more security, but the raw truth was always there. Certainty was illusion. I could call on God's name in prayer all day and all night...and still have my son gang raped. My assurance of some greater good would not allay that fact...and isn't that what really mattered in the end?? So, positing God's protection, as it is evidenced generally, and looking at a world of random chance...almost seemed like looking at a distinction without real difference. Divine providence only really purported to give MEANING to suffering...but I had already hashed that out...
So...it was settled in my mind, after much deliberation...
I didn't need God to be a happy, meaning-filled, healthy, grateful, melioristic HUMAN being. In the face of an absurd, "meaningless", uncaring universe, I could seek to live...and not be afraid to die. I could stand on the Abyss of Oblivion everyday of my life (for we don't know when our time ends)...and smile. Because, on the edge of that Cliff called existence, I feel MOST alive, and have relatively nothing to fear. [Once one conquers the fear of death, other concerns seem rather paltry by comparison.] I could be an fully melioristic humanist that EMBODIES the glorious heights and shameful depths of the miracle that is the human existence.
Much to my dismay, I found that I could truly be a happy atheist...even despite all the precious apologetics books that I'd read. Sheesh. 
Hmm. I suppose that people may be reading this and swearing that it comes from someone who has either LEFT the Faith is planning on leaving. I think that'd be wrong on both counts. As of right now, I am firmly planted in the Christian faith...probably more than ever before. Because I've learned that I don't NEED Christianity or God. I believe in God and Christ for different reasons, reasons that are internalized. This faith is MY faith that I have earned by way of blood, sweat, and tears. My faith is not a coping mechanism. My faith is not something I've just inherited from my parents. My faith is NOT something I've taken to give my life meaning. It is a faith built upon reflection (both on self and the world) that, upon surviving the fires of analysis, stands like refined gold. Do I know many of the well placed arguments against believing in God in general and Christianity in particular? Yep. Do I admit to my fundamental AGNOSTICISM about all this stuff. Yep. BUT...Do I also have a faith that is humbly open, yet true to my history, my tradition, and my experience? A "second-naivete" as Ricouer would say?
Y E S !
And I figure that as long as I have that, I'm doing pretty ok. 
Thanks for reading my ramble. Just felt like shooting from the hip.
To all my peeps,
keep smiling, hoping, and LIVING
even in the face of the Mysterious Unknown
otherwise known as the Great Abyss.
A ONE integrating to a SEVEN,
PS: Just so you all know. This is really good for me. Just to get my thoughts out. I appreciate you guys so much. Mad love.
Edited by - Mephi2K on 03/15/2002 11:49:13 AM | | Back to Top | | |
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