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Lament for a Son

This was all before. I now live after, after the death of our son, Eric. My life has been divided into before and after.

To love is to run the risk of suffering. Or rather, in our world, to love is to suffer; there’s no escaping it. Augustine knew it well; so Augustine recommended playing it safe, loving only what could neither die nor change on one—God and the soul. My whole tradition had taught me to love the world, to love the world as a gift, to love God through and in the world—wife, children, art, plants, learning. It had set me up for suffering. But it didn’t tell me this: it didn’t tell me that the invitation to love is the invitation to suffering. It let me find that out for myself, when it happened. Possibly it’s best that way.

I haven’t anything to say beyond what I’ve already said in Lament for a Son. There’s a lot of silence in the book; no word too much, I hope. In the face of death we must not chatter. And when I spoke, I founcf myself moving often on the edges of language, trying to find images for what only images could say. The book is extremely particular; I do not speak about death, only about Eric’s death. That’s all I could do. But I have discovered, from what readers have told me, that in its particularity lies universality.

I see now, looking back, that in writing it I was struggling to own my grief. The modern Western practice is to disown one’s grief: to get over it, to put it behind one, to get on with life, to put it out of mind, to insure that it not become part of one’s identity. My struggle was to own it, to make it part of my identity: if you want to know who I am, you must know that I am one whose son died. But then, to own it redemptively. It takes a long time to learn how to own one’s suffering redemptively; one never finishes learning.

Though there are strands in the Reformed tradition for which sovereignty is God’s principal attribute, I don’t think I ever thought of God much in terms of sovereignty. God was majesty for me, indescribable majesty. And graciousness, goodness; God is the one who blesses, blessing calling for gratitude. To be human is to be that point in the cosmos where God’s goodness is meant to find its answer in gratitude: John Calvin told me that.

Now everything was different. Who is this God, looming over me? Majesty? I see no majesty. Grace? Can this be grace? I see nothing at all; dark clouds hide the face of God. Slowly the clouds lift. What I saw then was tears, a weeping God, suffering over my suffering. I had not realized that if God loves this world, God suffers; I had thoughtlessly supposed that God loved without suffering. I knew that divine love was the key. But I had not realized that the love that is the key is suffering love.

I do not know what to make of this; it is for me a mystery. But I find I can live with that. The gospel had never been presented to me as best explanation, most complete account; the tradition had always encouraged me to live with unanswered questions. Life eternal doesn’t depend on getting all the questions answered; God is often as much behind the questions as behind the answers. But never had the unanswered question been so painful. Can I live this question with integrity, and without stumbling?

It moved me deeply to discover one day that John Calvin alone among the classical theologians had written of the suffering of God. Whenever he wrote of it, it was, so far as I could discover, in the same context: that of a discussion of injustice. To wreak injustice on one of one’s fellow human beings, said Calvin, is to wound and injure God; he said that the cry of those who suffer injustice is the cry of God.


To Be Human

There’s been a grace that’s shaped my life. It came to me in the form of being inducted into a tradition of the Christian church, and in the form of participating in an institution, and in other ways as well which I haven’t mentioned: in the form of persons such as my wife, my children, my friends.

But was it grace I experienced when I heard God saying to me, in the voice of the Palestinians and the South African blacks, you must speak up for these people? When God confronted the reluctant Jeremiah with his prophetic call, was that grace? And was it grace I experienced when my son was killed? God is more mysterious than I had thought—the world too. There’s more to God than grace; or if it’s grace to one, it’s not grace to the other—grace to Israel but not grace to Jeremiah. And there’s more to being human than being that point in the cosmos where God’s goodness is meant to find its answer in gratitude. To be human is also this: to be that point in the cosmos where the yield of God’s love is suffering.

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What I saw then was tears, a weeping God, suffering over my suffering. I had not realized that if God loves this world, God suffers; I had thoughtlessly supposed that God loved without suffering. I knew that divine love was the key. But I had not realized that the love that is the key is suffering love.

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God runs the risk every time he creates a new person that they will reject his love.

I'm curious, what is your personal idea of Christian love?


Starkman

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Anyway, God found a way, a way to make me face myself . . . and think, and learn, and . . . love. I'm at the threshold of it all. THAT is exciting. Matter of fact, the break-through came today at church.

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Praise God! It seems like God many times has to bring us to a point where we are beside ourselves in order to teach us the basics.

Your not going into ministry until you could face this issue of "love" is in itself "loving." I think there are some out there who get into ministry without giving love a lot of thought.


Electra

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The kingdom of God is a kingdom of love, and forgiveness is the key to the kingdom

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This is true but what I am struggling to grasp is that sometimes people are NOT repentant so if forgiveness = love then what about those who don't seek forgiveness? I think that caring for others and treating people as though they were Christ himself are keys to the kingdom, but I also think that love does not necessarily equate with acceptance. God created hell because despite his continual attempts at loving there are some who refuse this love. There are some who refuse to repent and turn.

I agree that the ones who have been forgiven much will love much. The gratitude one feels can be overwhelming and the response is an overwhelming love.


I am still trying to process this out. I appreciate the feedback!
~Brandi~





Edited by - brandi on 08/12/2002 04:59:12 AM

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This is true but what I am struggling to grasp is that sometimes people are NOT repentant so if forgiveness = love then what about those who don't seek forgiveness?

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From Christ the good things have flowed and are flowing into us…From us they flow on to those who have need of them so that I should lay before God my faith and my righteousness that they may cover and intercede for the sins of my neighbor which I take upon myself and so labor and serve in them as if they were my very own. That is what Christ did for us. This is true love and the genuine rule of a Christian life.

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Crazy isn't it. Think about Jesus HEALING the ear that was cut off (out of a worldly way of defense)or Jesus on the cross saying "forgive them, they haven't a clue what they are doing" (when surely He could have been saying [or even thinking] "you'll get it for this." etc.)

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I get so teary eyed sometimes when I see a movie or play or hear the story read about Christ's crucifixion and get to the part where he cries out "Father, forgive them for they know not what they are doing." Putting it in this conversation helps in understanding how we are to forgive even those who have not yet asked. Thank you for your comments!


Electra

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Forgiveness is the most authentic feedback you can ever give or receive. It speaks the truth about the sin that separates us from God and others, and it speaks the truth about the reconciliation Christ offers. It is the gospel.

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When a person feels and experiences our forgiveness (especially if they've really wronged us bad) then this can open the door for allowing them to be moved and to feel this authentic feedback. I agree this moving experience can be the biggest way we can show and speak God's love and truth, as long as the forgiveness is genuine. I keep thinking of the Prodigal Son. Thank you.


Al2Si2H4O9

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What the "Fruit of the Spirit" ISN'T is us trying to copy Jesus out of out own conceptions and effort, and fleshly-oriented feeling of obligation and ethic. That's not it. Here is that Luther quote, as an illustration: "have flowed and are flowing into us". WE are NOT the source. God is. But the verb "flow" is a useful one

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"Isn't out of our own conception and effort" Yes, I agree that we need the Spirit flowing in us to help us to love the way Christ longs for us to. We need to be open to allowing the Spirit to flow and increase in our love. Thank you -- it's not as much about us doing as about us allowing the Spirit within us to be flowing. Yes!


Markus

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But we also need to recognise that love is not a durable commodity that can be stored away for oneself. If we try to hoard it for ourselves we soon find it has turned sour and putrid and laced with the bitter taste of jealousy and selfishness. It is to be used and applied in a continuing process, flowing through our hearts and out through our deeds towards all humankind

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I thought of trying to hold on to some delicious dessert when I read this. If we try to save it, it loses it's taste over time and becomes putrid. When I got married I remember saving the top of my cake to eat for our first year anniversary. Well, the cake was horrible and we didn't get to enjoy it a year later. If we had just ate it then and there we could have shared more cake with others and everyone could have enjoyed more cake at the wedding (Perhaps a poor analogy but I think you get the gist)

I have found it faith building and AMAZING that the more I give, the more I receive. God gives back to us tenfold everything we give away!


Markus

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But I think forgiveness is crucial to maintaining a pure open relationship with God. Why?

Because forgiveness is recognition of Gods greater justice. Whenever we fail to forgive, we are also doubting the perfection of God’s judgment

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Not only is it doubting the perfection of God's judgment but it is also causing a blockage in us and a brokenness in our relationships. Forgiveness is extremely necessary for our own spiritual and mental health.


Markus

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And then maybe one huge gift of God through love is compassion. And for me at least, compassion is the essence of Christian love. It means living and feeling the suffering of every other being

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When I read about the life of Christ this is the biggest message I continually receive. Jesus had ENORMOUS compassion for ALL. He would stop everything to attend to a hurting individual. He LOVED in the most compassionate and passionate way! Thank you for sharing and you DID NOT disturb the flow but rather added to it! Your thoughts were anything but childish.


Thank you for all your posts so far. This is helping me to sort through this and to process.
~Brandi~

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"... I agree that we need the Spirit flowing in us to help us to love the way Christ longs for us to. We need to be open to allowing the Spirit to flow and increase in our love. Thank you -- it's not as much about us doing as about us allowing the Spirit within us to be flowing.

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On the Bon. thread Don was making a comment about how the new life makes a change, and from that change is lived a life that is fruitful.

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Last night I asked my wife to forgive me for the comment I made about her leaving the kids unsupervised to paint the room.

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Sounds like you did the biblical thing in not allowing the sun to go down without making amends....


A lot of people have thus far referred to love with forgiveness. I am struggling to fully understand the correlation. I know that we are to forgive all so that our sins will be forgiven but I am struggling with the fact that NOT ALL enter into heaven even though God loves ALL.

There were two thieves on the cross but Jesus only told one that he would enter into heaven because he repented. Here are a few verses that I am trying to sort out:

Rev. 3:20 "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him and he with me."

God knocks but he won't knock the door down. Love must be accepted by the receiver.

Here's another one:
Proverbs 8:17 "I love those who love me, and those who seek me diligently will find me."

1John 1:9 " IF we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

The key in those verses seem contingent (Those who, If). Does anyone have any insights into this love verses forgiveness verses hell ... thing? I know that we are to be compassionate and kind toward all regardless of whether they seek forgiveness or not. I understand that's it's not about us doing the love but God doing the love in us. We choose to enter into the Fruit of the Spirit. Yet God doesn't forgive until the person repents. I don't fully understand how we can equate love with forgiveness when God is LOVE?


I really appreciate all the help! Any comments?
~Brandi~

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What sort of authority relationships are you thinking about here and toward what purpose? I assume you don’t just mean the message being preached from the pulpit because you then brought up the analogy of a child needing direction.

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What I meant by this was in general relationships within the church. I had no specific authority positions in mind. I believe that followers of Christ need to be spreading the TRUTH in LOVE to a lost world. What a lost sheep DOES NOT need is complacent, compromising Christians but rather people who are willing to speak the truth about who Christ is and do this through their daily actions. The world needs to SEE and EXPERIENCE Christ through us. We need to uphold God's absolute morals and laws and show the lost sheep the way to the Way, the Truth, and the Life. Actions speak much louder than words.


Iconoclast

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Minor point. It was not the woman at the well to whom Jesus said “Go and sin no more.” It was the woman who was caught in adultery where Jesus said, “let him who is without sin cast the first stone.” Jesus neither condemned nor condoned the woman at the well’s living situation. He simply mentioned it.

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Thank you for correcting my mistake! I got the two stories mixed up. However, through my error I reread the story about the woman at the well and found something interesting. Jesus examined the woman's life and her many relationships and then told the woman that he is THE water that quenches thirst forever....

John 4:13 "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become a spring of water welling up to eternal life."

John 6:35 "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty."

What I became aware of is that Christ is the ONLY source that can fill and satisfy that deep hole within. Many people look to relationships and people (or MANY other things) to satisfy a need that CANNOT be satisfied by any person or thing. The ONLY thing that can fill this deep thirst and hunger is Jesus Christ.

This led me to think about SIN. What is it exactly about sin that God despises so much? If we are finding pleasure then why would God NOT want us to continue with certain things that are called sin in the bible? I began to realize that the reason God calls some acts and deeds sin is NOT because he sets out to hold out an unrealistic standard for us nor to prevent us from happiness. NO! Sin is despised by God rather because it separates us from getting our need, our vacuum filled from the ONLY source that can fill it. Anything that we do or think or act upon that causes us to act in rebellion moves us away from our source of life (God) When we move away from our source of life by moving toward sin we are breaking God's heart because God knows what is best for us and that the only way to find this is through obedience to God's will...


Iconoclast

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The meaning (the result) of following Jesus (accepting his love) is that our beliefs (about who God is and who we are) are changed and therefore we change - our lives transform. This change is a “fruit” - a result - and never the “source”.

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I find it interesting that God chose to create us in such a way that we are continually needing transformation. You know why I believe we are not fully transformed immediately when we turn our lives over to God? Because I believe that it's through our imperfections that we learn and grow and become and through the fruit that is produced by this process we can help others to learn and grow too. This keeps us in need of other people. We are ALL on the path to becoming but we never will fully become on this earth thus this awareness can help keep us humble and sensitive to our brothers and sisters. The Creator is the ONLY source that is able to bring the created into it's perfection thus we are given the "log and speck" analogy.


Iconoclast

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What else can this mean except that God loves and fully forgives ALL people. He is there when we die with open and loving arms. And yet when some people encounter this they refuse to be loved, they refuse to be forgiven. In fact, they see God and run in terror believing Him to be Beelzebub. Why? Because God’s perfect love and forgiveness causes them fear and pain.

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I agree with this. I believe that our hearts are either in the process of becoming more in accord with our Father OR they are becoming harder. "If today you hear His voice, harden not your hearts."


Al2Si2H4O9

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Forgiveness as a concept pairs nicely with juridical imagery. But it does not remove the cancer. Mankind needs the Resurrection achieved for us by the "Second Adam." We need the "fruit of the womb" that is "more spacious than the heavens." We need the deified life of the God-man flowing from that True Vine to our bodies.

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I agree! He is the vine, we are the branches. He is the ONLY water and bread that satisfies! Here are some words to a song I enjoy that speak to our vulnerable state and to the awesome wonder and majesty of the "Second Adam" Jesus Christ:

Because I'll never hold a picture of the whole horizon in my view.
Because I'll never tear the night in two. It makes me wonder who am I? Who am I? Who am I and GREAT are you! Great are you Lord.


Hey, pouringagapewannabe, how about changing your name to the catchy name of: pouringagapeinprocesswiththetransformingpowerofthecreator? You like?


Thanks so much for the help everyone.
~Brandi~



Edited by - brandi on 08/26/2002 09:54:01 AM

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Thanks, Brandon! That picture of Mother Theresa is inspiring. She was indeed a model of Christian love!

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And this is why might-be-don's post was extremely well written.

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