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Tigress
Registered Member
Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1252
| Posted 9/18/2003 6:06 AM (GMT -6) |   | quote:
Originally posted by Triskal
Maybe i'm confused, but I don't exactly understand what you mean by "emotionally intimate." How does one become emotionally intimate with a member of the opposite sex? At what level do you cross the line between casual conversation and emotional intimacy?
You say that after a person gets married they are commiting to only be intimate emotionally with their spouse. Does that mean that when a person gets married they can no longer be as close to their mother/father or sister/brother? While I agree that when someone gets married they are commiting to place their spouse as first place, but I disagree that you are supposed to make them the ONLY person in your life who you can share any forms of intimacy with.
Now I am NOT saying that you can have sexual relations with other people after you are married. I am only speaking of the "emotional intimacy" that you describe. Sometimes there are people of the opposite sex that you meet and seem to share a certain unspoken bond with. A kind of bond that you can't really have with other people, for whatever reasons. Haven't you ever met someone and it seems like you have known them your whole life? I believe there are many unseen spiritual forces that can connect people for whatever reasons, even after one gets married.
Let me know what ya think. 
In His Grip,
- Matt -
Triskal,
Sure you can be emotionally intimate with blood relatives after you get married. You can also be emotionally intimate with members of your own sex. It's just not right to be emotionally intimate with members of the opposite sex.
By emotionally intimate I mean, sharing your deepest inner thoughts and feelings with a person, and relying somewhat on them for emotional support. Once a person is married, their spouse is supposed to be that support - not any other member of the opposite sex. Your relationship with your father, mother, sister or brother, or any of family member will be different from that. But a member of the opposite sex that you're not related to could really tempt you to cheat in all ways.
I think modern Christians think they should be able to have it all - a spouse and closeness with anyone else, too. When in actuality, getting married requires giving up some things in your life, and that includes relationships you might have had, if you hadn't gotten married. Although, I'm arguing that if one holds to the belief that one should not be emotionally intimate with any member of the opposite sex while single, then there's no pain of having to give that relationship up when you do marry. And no chance that that person knows you as emotionally intimately as only your spouse is supposed to know you.
Tigress 
"Name a shrub after me. Preferably one that's prickly and difficult to eradicate."
-Captain Jack Aubrey
"Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World" | | Back to Top | | |
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Tigress
Registered Member
Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1252
| Posted 9/18/2003 9:58 AM (GMT -6) | | | | |
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Amy
Registered Member
Date Joined May 2004
Total Posts : 1
| Posted 5/2/2004 11:57 AM (GMT -6) | | I think that it is completely wrong according to Christian values and standards to try to build so-called friendships with those of the opposite sex. You are supposed to be concentrating on the one special person in your life who becomes your confidante and friend. Sure, you need other relationships and friendships, but they should be with those who are of the same gender, especially if you are endeavoring to establish a relationship (either dating or marital) with one specific person. It is not fair to them to insist upon keeping the same emotional and/or intimate friendship that you had with someone of the opposite sex that you knew before becoming involved with the person that you are now dating or married to. You should have enough respect and care for your mate that you are willing to leave your old “friendship” behind. That goes for both single and married people. I think that Tigress is right when she says that it is the appearance of the thing. Not only in Christian circles but even out in the world. People do question your motives when you insist on getting close to those of the opposite sex especially when you are in the process of building a lasting relationship with someone that you are supposed to love and respect and who by rights should be the one that you talk with and laugh with and share and confide in on emotional levels.
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1Heart
Registered Member
Date Joined Feb 2004
Total Posts : 1128
| Posted 5/3/2004 5:04 AM (GMT -6) | | quote:
Originally posted by Amy
I think that it is completely wrong according to Christian values and standards to try to build so-called friendships with those of the opposite sex. You are supposed to be concentrating on the one special person in your life who becomes your confidante and friend. Sure, you need other relationships and friendships, but they should be with those who are of the same gender, especially if you are endeavoring to establish a relationship (either dating or marital) with one specific person. It is not fair to them to insist upon keeping the same emotional and/or intimate friendship that you had with someone of the opposite sex that you knew before becoming involved with the person that you are now dating or married to. You should have enough respect and care for your mate that you are willing to leave your old “friendship” behind. That goes for both single and married people. I think that Tigress is right when she says that it is the appearance of the thing. Not only in Christian circles but even out in the world. People do question your motives when you insist on getting close to those of the opposite sex especially when you are in the process of building a lasting relationship with someone that you are supposed to love and respect and who by rights should be the one that you talk with and laugh with and share and confide in on emotional levels.
Hi,
I believe it is possible to have a friendship with a man if you are a woman (married or single) if both people are focused on their own individual walk with God and if the relationship is centered on that as well. Obviously there needs to be healthy boundaries. Friendships change. Just because you get married it doesn't necessarily mean that you can not be friends with the opposite gender, but those friendships will look and be different than they were before. For example, I wouldn't be going for coffee with a friend of the opposite sex but I could sit and have coffee at church and talk to them. And what we talk about will be different as well.
I think it depends on the individuals involved, the marriage partners, the spiritual connection (as leaders in a church it is good to be friends with each other).
I also believe that we are affected by our culture and by what the world expects friendships to look like. I have several brothers in Christ whose friendship I treasure. My husband is well aware of those and not threatened by those friendships because they are not an emotional dependence.
It is a healthy question to ask yourself what expectations you have from any relationship - male or female. A friendship with someone of the same gender can be harmful to your marriage as well if your expectations and your focus are wrong.
All relationships should intersect at the cross if they are to be God honouriing.
God Bless,
Jo-Anne 
"Sometimes all we can do is go back to the character of God, and drop anchor there."
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Tigress
Registered Member
Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1252
| Posted 5/5/2004 10:50 AM (GMT -6) | | quote:
Originally posted by Archibaldo
In trying to figure out what "emotional intimacy" with a person can be, and what "confidant" to your spouse means, i wonder what we think also about approaching counselors of the opposite sex. Should we be alowed to disclose such emotional parts of our lives to one of the opposite sex, or have we chosen to give that right away and go with the "less qualified" person or our second choice bases solely on sex?
I'm only 23, and growing up and working in a more post modern generation, the immediate inclinations of "wrongness" becauase of these types of relationships simply doesn't exist. I believe people are called to celibacy and i don't believe they should then be limited in emotional involvement to their same gender only. Likewise i believe people's personalities can be more compatible with one gender in an unharming yet still emotional way.
I have many co-workers (at a church) who are close to each other on emotional lives (they almost have to be with how well they know each other's family and lives) and it doesn't seem that any of their spouses are upset by the situation.
The Post-Modern world seems to think it's okay,
Archy
(Culture doesn't make it right, but our inclinations are what started the conversation, not scripture.)
In regards to seeing counselors, I think it depends on the individual. I know that I personally could never go to a male counselor - especially if I find him really attractive - because then I'd start fantasizing about him and me, and things would get really innappropriate and his counsel to me wouldn't help me one bit because of my obsession with him.
But, if it's okay for a male medical doctor to see a woman naked in order to give her a check-up or gynocological exam, then for some women it might be okay to see a male counselor, too. The only problem is that seeing a counselor is for getting emotional help, and some people might not be emotionally healthy enough to know that they shouldn't see a counselor of the opposite sex. So, just to be safe, it might be best for people only to see same-sex counselors, don't ya think?
Tigress
"Name a shrub after me. Preferably one that's prickly and difficult to eradicate."
-Captain Jack Aubrey
"Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World" | | Back to Top | | |
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larris
Registered Member
Date Joined Mar 2004
Total Posts : 181
| Posted 5/6/2004 3:04 AM (GMT -6) | | Having been married for 13 years now, I can say that if either has a very close friend of the opposit sex that they spend too much time with there is going to be problems. Also if they even have friends of the same sex that they spend too much time with there is going to be problems.
The point is that not only dose a man leave his father and mother and be joined unto his wife, he also leaves "the boys", i.e. friends and that major amount of time spent with them. And the wife if she hangs with the girls also leaves them.
Once you are married you focus becomes building a life and friendship with your spouse. That dose not mean that you never have time with old frinds, but it's on a much more limited scale. The truth is also that if either the husband or wife have a close friend of the opposite sex, it's playing with fire in that it opens their spouse to the possibility of getting a "spirit of jealousy". Anohter thing is that it can give off the "appearance of evil" in general.
And let's face it, everyone KNOWS when their friendship is not "just" a friendship. And the so called friend also knows when their friendship is actually just making them an interloper into a marriage relationship. The truth is when your friend get's married, if your relationship with them dose not change a bit, there is a problem. When you are married for one thing, you don't have time to spend with your friends like you did before.
Also when you get married, there are going to be problems, and many times frineds give the WORST advise, causing spouses to leave when they should stay and work things out. In the first several years of my marriage it was rough, and I would confide in my frined, who's advise was "Well God dosne't want you to be unhappy. If you are unhappy you should leave." NOT GOOD ADVISE, and glad I never took it.
Also if a man dose not have "man friends" and only woman friends, a red flag should go up, and visa versa. But heres another deal, who ever said you are supposed to have lots of friends anyway. IF you just have one or two good friends you are a lucky person. There is only so much of you to spread around you know.
One more thing is that I do not believe that when it comes to friendship that gender has anything really to do with it. It may look that way, but in truth it's what people have in common and how they connect in conversation and what they have in common through the experiences they share. However also because of this gender is an issue since for the most part men and women like to do different things.
I have a friend of another gender who I work with, and who is exactly like me in every way. But I do not see this person outside of work, nor am I attracted to the person. We are good frineds because of the VALUES and personality type we share, we think alike along almost every line, when it comes to politics, and religion and people in general. Believe me since I work over 40 hours a week, I am thankful to work with someone I can stand. We also have a lot of the same faults and so can overlook and understand the others actions at times, which is also of great value since we are often in high pressure situations where a little steam get's blown off at times. Were I to act or say some of the things I say at times around anyone else, I probably would not have a job and visa versa with them. So it's nice knowing you can be yourself, without fear of reprisal. It takes off a lot of pressure that might be exhibited to the wrong person at the wrong time.
larris
"If you continue (abide and live) in my word, then you shall be my disciples indeed, and you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free." Jesus Christ. (John 8:31) | | Back to Top | | |
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weld
Registered Member
Date Joined Jul 2004
Total Posts : 1
| Posted 7/29/2004 1:20 PM (GMT -6) | | | I think as we draw close to God we will become more aware of our need for God's love, intimacy, and the need to love others. The Bible teaches that sexual infidelity and lust is wrong, but I'm not sure about the whole "emotional affair" thing that is so talked about today. Jesus certainly loves us completely, and longs for a personal, intimate relationship with each of us, and when He puts this love in our hearts for others, it is never wrong if it truly is from God. Jesus didn't have affairs with people on earth- that would have been wrong obviously. But he still cared about every hair on their heads. On earth there are restrictions in our relationships with others because of jealousy and lust. In heaven there won't be marriage as it is on earth, we will be free to completely love God and others- there will be no need for institutions which will restrict expressing our love to others because there won't be sin. | | Back to Top | | |
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Sahid
Megistered Rember
Date Joined Jun 2004
Total Posts : 2013
| Posted 7/29/2004 9:42 PM (GMT -6) | | Wow! I'd never seen this thread before. Man, I had a relationship with a girl who got very insecure when I hung out with friends of the opposite sex. People who are that hung up about keeping their man or keeping their woman need to lose them. As long as they're hanging on to that person, that person will only be a distraction from the One who is to be their source of love, acceptance, and security. If you're worried about losing someone who you depend on, get over it! If there's a chance of losing them, then they aren't nearly as dependable as Jesus. By comparison to our love for Jesus, we should hate our family. We should always remember that whether we admit it or not, we depend on Jesus. Without His love, life is hell. Without His love in our hearts, life is just bearable, and no relationship will make it better, at least not for long.
Watch me fly. Freedom like wings and I will use them. Freedom like wings and I will spread them wide. - Stavesacre | | Back to Top | | |
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Truth Aficionado
Registered Member
Date Joined Dec 2003
Total Posts : 1544
| Posted 7/30/2004 6:18 AM (GMT -6) | | quote:
Originally posted by Sahid
Wow! I'd never seen this thread before. Man, I had a relationship with a girl who got very insecure when I hung out with friends of the opposite sex. People who are that hung up about keeping their man or keeping their woman need to lose them. As long as they're hanging on to that person, that person will only be a distraction from the One who is to be their source of love, acceptance, and security. If you're worried about losing someone who you depend on, get over it!
Hmmm..you had a relationship, Sahid. | | Back to Top | | |
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Truth Aficionado
Registered Member
Date Joined Dec 2003
Total Posts : 1544
| Posted 7/30/2004 9:20 AM (GMT -6) | | Rash! Information overload, Sahid.
The point was simply about giving advice on healthy relationships when yours died. I’m sorry, I can understand if you don’t find it amusing. 
I totally agree with your other quotes.
quote:
Sometimes when things get crazy, boyfriends, girlfriends, or even just friends become an idol.
They aren't nearly as dependable as Jesus. By comparison to our love for Jesus, we should hate our family. We should always remember that whether we admit it or not, we depend on Jesus. Without His love, life is hell. Without His love in our hearts, life is just bearable, and no relationship will make it better, at least not for long.
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