DNOTS Survivor said...
Ok, I need some serious help. I'll start with a little background…. I am turning 36 next month. This is the age that my mother was when I can first remember thinking she is old. And, my daughter is starting to look at me in the same way....I can see it in her eyes. I don't like that. As a result of this aging thing and the above mentioned medical scare that I experienced in April, I was flung face down into the pit. I've been painfully working my way out, but seem to be stuck. You see, I have a terrible fear of disease and death (as mentioned above). Not because I'm unsure of my eternal destiny (not at all), but because I have this sickly feeling that I am going to get a disease and die at a young age. I don't want to get a disease and die at a young age. I've tried to figure out the source of the fear so I can apply the TNT techniques to get rid of it, but I can't figure out the source. I think it's just that I HATE to be disappointed, and I figure if I assume it will happen, then I'll be less dissappointed when it does happen (notice I said when and not if). In the meantime I'm miserable as I can't get excited about anything in life. YIKES!! It's so irrational, I know.

I think it in part is a lack of trust in God….although, I do trust God to make "all things work together for good".…for Him…..for me, however, it's not good to get a disease and die. I know that sounds awful, but that's how I feel. Also, I wonder if it's a problem with my ability/willingness to accept God's love. I know He loves me, and I have immeasurable worth, but it's never resonated with me. Then, of course, I read that Faith + Hope = Trust….so, perhaps it a lack of hope now….ugh!!

I have spent the last 3 months in the Bible and every book I can find that talks about faith and trust, etc. and I feel only more confused as everyone has their own little spin on things. The books are a wonderful resource and I have found things in all of them that really touches home with me, but in trying to employ all of these suggestions, I feel like I'm losing my mind…..and I'm no closer to accepting God's love, having hope in His promises, grow my faith, develop complete trust in God……and eradicating the fear of disease and death.

I could use a word of encouragement.....

Thanks for your ear.

Tammy

DNOTS Survivor said...
Yeah, I can talk to my cousin...unfortunatley she lives in Colorado and it quite busy and we're having trouble catching one another.

I just reread my post....boy I was feeling pretty desperate. Right now I'm not feeling quite so severe, but it's always there, like a dark cloud that's always overhead. Satan is trying to suck the life outta me. Heavy sigh.

Thank you so much for your prayer....I really appreciate it.

Violin for God said...
Dear Tammy,

I'll be keeping you in prayer as well. I hope that may be a boost of encouragement--that we're standing here with you. It's been a while since I've really experienced something severe like DNOTS, but I certainly understand that feeling of a constant and daily dark cloud over my head. One thing that I found helpful (it came out in a poem I wrote a long time ago) was the thing of hoping for hope. Having faith, or belief or trust, that the feeling of hope will return. Sometimes I would go through long bouts of DNOTS in depression and all I could do was just go on the day to day struggle while hiding it from everyone around me. Sometimes just hanging on to the 'simple knowing of God's love' (since I was lacking the feeling) and going on auto-pilot was the thing that helped me get through it. I don't know if sharing this with you helps or not (I hope in some way it does) but I want to let you know that we sympathize and are standing with you in prayer. Please do feel free to share more here if you'd like.

My husband and I are going on vacation next week (to Alaska too! ) but I'll look for your posts when I get back to see how things are going!

Heather

PS- Jo-Anne, we're still praying for you too