 |
| Open Theism Discussion Board > Public Forums > Theological Q&A > God's inconsistant behavior finnally explained! | Forum Quick Jump
|
| 
archive
Registered Member
Date Joined Jun 2001
Total Posts : 516
| Posted 6/28/2001 5:28 PM (GMT -6) |   |
Wislawa
06/13/01 8:57 PM
God's inconsistant behavior finnally explained!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
GOD DIAGNOSED WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER
[Just another anthropomorphisism? You decide.]
NEW HAVEN, CT--In a diagnosis that helps explain the confusing and contradictory aspects of the cosmos that have baffled philosophers, theologians, and other students of the human condition for millennia, God, creator of the universe and longtime deity to billions of followers, was found Monday to suffer from bipolar disorder.
Rev. Dr. J. Henry Jurgens, a practicing psychiatrist and doctor of divinity at Yale University Divinity School, announced the historic diagnosis at a press conference.
"I always knew there had to be some explanation," Jurgens said. "And, after several years of patient research and long sessions with God Almighty through the intercessionary medium of prayer, I was able to pinpoint the specific nature of His problem."
Bipolar, or manic-depressive, disorder is a condition that afflicts millions. Characterized by cycles of elation followed by bouts of profound depression and despair, the disorder can wreak havoc on both the sufferer and his or her loved ones, particularly if it goes undetected and untreated for an extended period. Though the condition is estimated to affect, in one form or another, 5 percent of the world's population, Monday marks the first time it has been diagnosed in a major deity.
Evidence of God's manic-depression can be found throughout the Universe, from the white-hot explosiveness of quasars to the cold, lifeless vacuum of space. However, theologians note, humanity's exposure to God's affliction comes primarily through His confusing propensity to alternately reward and punish His creations with little rhyme or reason.
"Last week, I lost my dear husband Walter to the flood," said housewife and devout churchgoer Elaine Froman of Davenport, IA. "I asked myself, 'Why? Why would God do something like this, especially when He had just helped Walter overcome a long battle with colon cancer, and we were so happy that we finally had a chance to start our lives anew?'"
New York attorney Ruth Kanner also gained firsthand knowledge of God's wild mood swings.
"Last Saturday, on a gorgeous spring afternoon, I was jogging in Central Park with my daughter. We were marveling at the beauty and majesty of nature, and I remember thinking what a wonderful world we live in. Then, out of nowhere, I heard the gunfire," said Kanner, speaking from her hospital bed at Columbia Presbyterian Medical Center. "All they took was a measly $17, and for that, the doctors say my daughter will never walk again. If only Our Holy Father didn't have those mental problems, my precious Katie might not be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of her life."
Jurgens stressed that God's earthly subjects need to understand that, because of His bipolar condition, He is not in control of His actions and does not realize how they affect others.
"What He needs from us is understanding and patience," Jurgens said. "To paraphrase the words of the Lord God Himself, 'Humans, forgive Him, for He knows not what He does.'"
While such drugs as Paxil, Prozac, and Zoloft have proven effective in the treatment of bipolar disorder among humans, there is no modern earthly medicine that can be prescribed for a deity as vast and complex as God. Jurgens is in the process of forming a support group, "Living With A Bipolar Creator-Deity," for all of humanity to "get together and discuss their feelings about living in a universe run by an Omnipresent Loved One not fully in control of his emotions."
Jurgens said he believes God's essential condition is seasonal, as evidenced by the bursts of energy and elation associated with springtime and summer, followed by the decay and bleak despair of fall and winter. Sometimes, however, the condition cycles even faster.
Taken from theonion.com
Posted Originally From: Open Theism Information Site
trosie
06/13/01 11:30 PM
RE: God's inconsistant behavior finnally explained!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And to think that we are made in the image of God! Bipolar Disorder, eh? Cute!
Posted Originally From: Christus Victor Ministries
GODesteem
06/14/01 8:32 AM
RE: God's inconsistant behavior finnally explained!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The onion? Definitely one of the most purposefully uncredible sources of information in the universe (next to the National Enquirer). Even if the above had some factuality to it, the ridiculousness of having a human being "diagnose" God is beyond words (ridiculousness doesn't quite work). Sinners under the wrath of God, and the sinners analyze God? Talk about irony!
Benjamin "praising Him for His matchless grace" Musclow
Posted Originally From: Open Theism Information Site
glamdring777
06/14/01 10:20 PM
good humor
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wislawa,
thanks for sharing that. For a minute there I thought you had turned into a theological Dave Barry, till I saw you got it from the Onion.
Very funny. I laughed when I read the description of God as, creator of the universe and longtime deity to billions.
I found a cool passage in a Polkinghorne book today that I wanted to share with y'all but I'm wondering about the copywrite laws. Is it okay to post stuff on the internet from people's books as long as you include their name?
glam
Posted Originally From: Christus Victor Ministries
ModesofThought
06/15/01 10:27 AM
RE: good humor
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
yup. Just put the quote in "quotes" or set it off from the rest of the text in some way. Then cite at least the author's name, but it is better to also cite the publication from which the quote derives, for example: (Polkinghorne, John. The Faith of a Physicist. Fortress Press: MPLS, 1996. pg. 143 or whatever) The full citation makes it easy for others to find what you are talking about. If I knew how to italicize the title on coolboard I would. Anyway, quotes are good. Use'em.
Posted Originally From: Christus Victor Ministries
glamdring777
06/15/01 11:00 AM
gracias
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey Modes,
Thanks. I guess there really is no stupid question around here!
Thanks for the info.
It's good to see you back on the board! It's been awhile.
I'm sure you have been engaged in scholarly pursuits, and as noble as all that is, nonetheless we sure miss you when you're gone.
Don't forget to tell us when you finally get that doctorate finished up.
glamdring
Posted Originally From: Christus Victor Ministries
glamdring777
06/16/01 2:43 AM
existenatial questions
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know how they say that if a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it, it doesn't really make a sound?
Well I was wondering, if you haven't had a shot of tequila and done the merengue to Santana's Black Magic Woman is it really Friday night?
he he
she she la rue
and glam
Posted Originally From: Christus Victor Ministries
Up to Msg List | Send to a Friend | Help << Prev Topic | Next Topic >>
Community Moderators: adiaphora
Site-Specific Moderators: springs
Jump To: cdearmond's Forums Christus Victor Ministries
Christus Victor Ministries
This site is part of the Christus Victor Ministries Community
GET A FREE MESSAGE BOARD. CLICK HERE.
Add This Forum to Your Site | Get a Free Message Board | Browse Other CoolBoards
What is CoolBoard? | Terms of Service | Privacy Policy | ©1999-2000 CoolBoard.com
Copyright © Christus Victor Ministries, 2000, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
| | Back to Top | | |
 | Forum Information | Currently it is Monday, November 09, 2026 10:53 AM (GMT -6)
There are a total of 97,718 posts in 6,040 threads.
In the last 3 days there were 0 new threads and 0 reply posts. View Active Threads
|
Forum powered by dotNetBB v2.42EC SP3
dotNetBB © 2000-2026 |
|
|