 |
| Open Theism Discussion Board > Public Forums > Tearing down walls > Is it a sin to divorce an abusive spouse? | Forum Quick Jump
|
| 
archive
Registered Member
Date Joined Jun 2001
Total Posts : 516
| Posted 6/27/2001 7:41 AM (GMT -6) |   | I have a friend, "Sue", who has been married for 7 years and has 3 kids (ages 6, 3, and 6 months). Her husband admits that 18 months ago he decided that he wasn't happy and was only going to do things that made him happy, which did not include participating as a father or husband in their household. While he still lives in their home, he is only a paycheck to them. He mentally and verbally abuses Sue, who has a tendency to think all this is her fault. She has been prayerful and faithfully trying everything she can to get her husband back into the family's life, i.e., the "Try Harder" theory. Right now she wants a neon sign from God telling her what to do.
Meanwhile, her husband is spending thousands of dollars on a variety of things that he thinks will make him happy, e.g., electric guitars, downhill skiing. He just jumps from one thing to the next pursuing his grandiose ideas of what "thing" will make him happy. He has also gotten into drugs and, possibly, porn. He has told Sue that she would be much more fun if she, too, took drugs and started dressing sleazier. If she mentions God to him in any way, he treats her like a Christian fanatic. They have seeked joint counseling, and he has admitted that he won't change his ways. He sees absolutely nothing wrong with his behavior, and if the counselor points out unhealthy behavior on his part, he responds by saying that the counselor is out to get him and they ganged up on him. He is very defensive of his behavior, and absolutey refuses to see himself as doing anything wrong.
On top of all this, we have a mutual friend, Joan, who is legalistic. She has repeatedly told Sue that the Bible says that divorce is only allowed in cases of adultery. Also, if Sue were to divorce her husband, she would probably still be allowed into heaven, but that she would probably have a lower position. When I mentioned that our God is a loving God and he would not want Sue and her children subjected to the abuse and perversion of their husband/father, Joan told me to be careful about what I said and that I shouldn't be telling Sue that somehow God would forgive her for divorcing this man.
Here are my questions: Is divorce a sin in an abusive marriage? Didn't Sue's husband break the covenant of marriage when he choose sinful behavior, regardless of whether is was adultery or pornography? Isn't lusting for another in your heart a form of adultery?
How do I respond to Joan, who is so legalistic? Is a hierarchy in heaven a Catholic theory, or is it mentioned in the Bible? Is encourgaging Sue to at least ask her husband to leave/separate a sin on my part?
RevivalTheology
03/09/01 10:49 AM
RE: Is it a sin to divorce an abusive spouse?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kris, I would say you have some pretty good answers at the end of your post. Based on what you have written, it sounds like Sue's husband has broken the covenant. Further, I might even recommend that Sue report her husband to the police IF he's using drugs in the house around the children. In fact, in my State I am what is termed a "mandatory reporter" of child abuse and the situation you describe would require me legally to report the situation to child protective services. I would also say it is likely, given the description you offer, that Sue's husband has already engaged in adultery and she is risking her own health staying in the marriage and continuing to be intimate with him. That's obviously conjecture, but given the behavior choices you describe, its pretty likely in my experience.
Some options are the above; divorce; or simply separation. The last should nullify "friend" Joan's position on divorce, at least as a stop gap measure. As to the rest of what Joan says, just ask for "chapter and verse."
In the Lamb
BBBCanada
03/09/01 12:01 PM
Is it a sin to divorce an abusive spouse?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Best theological stance that I have heard yet on this issue of divorce and remarriage is Greg Boyd’s sermon at http://www.sermongateway.com/
Go down to the year 1995 to Sept 03/95 and 10/95. Excellent stuff. Grace abounds in those sermons. I have the book called, “Four Views of Divorce and Remarriage.” Greg, although exegetically bad, follows the last essay. That is, there can be many reasons other than extra-marital sexual intercourse. Greg provides a stronger exegetical case for marriages that end in something other than adultery or remarriage in my opinion. I would say that many marriages are dead or “adulterated” long before any sexual adultery occurs. An analogy would be that you can’t leave food to sit in the refrigerator or it will go bad or become adulterated sooner or later.
The problem with most stances on divorce and remarriage, among other non-essentials, is that they seem to miss the whole point of Jesus teaching of life, freedom, and grace. Again, on this last point, I would get Richard Longeneckers book, “Paul: The Apostle of Liberty.”
Brandon
BabyDi100900
03/09/01 12:32 PM
RE: Is it a sin to divorce an abusive spouse?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kris3265:
I am one who was in a situation very, very similar to Sue's. My husband was an uninvolved, drug and alchohol addicted, irresponsibile man. I, in believingI could keep the marriage afloat on my strength alone, accepted this behavior, and ended up being a victim of mental, emotional and sexual abuse. It wasn't until I FINALLY ( and get that emphasis on this word) separated from him and began the healing process that I really realized how bad things were and how destroyed I had gotten as a result. I wasn't a Believer at the time, and became one AFTER I became separated from my husband. (I believe, because a great deal of evil influence was removed from my life as a result of the separation) We are now in the process of a very long, and ugly divorce and have 2 children, ages 7 and 4.
After I accepted Christ into my life, and began pouring through the bible, this was of course the main question for me.
This I know for sure..from Scripture, from consulting with other Christians, from prayer....GOD LOVES US ,GOD WANTS THE BEST FOR US. A marriage that is abusive, defeating, demoralizing, and keeps us from being the beautiful person God desires us to be and gave us the potential to be is not a true marriage. The other post to your message said it correctly...the covenant is NO LONGER THERE...thus the marriage is no longer a marriage in terms of biblical description. It is no longer a beautiful union of two people, but a FEASTING for the enemy. The sin committed in the cumulation of a divorce was committed by the person who did not fulfull the covenant.
I wish her the best.
kris265
03/09/01 1:57 PM
RE: Is it a sin to divorce an abusive spouse?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thank you for the resources. I tried to access the sermon's you mentioned, but couldn't hear them because of errors. Maybe my husband can figure it out tonight. If not, do you know if I can still request tapes of those sermons from Woodland Hills?
Also, who is the author of "Four Views of Divorce and Remarriage"?
GregBoyd
03/09/01 2:29 PM
RE: RE: Is it a sin to divorce an abusive spouse?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kris,
In situations such as your friend's, I always encourage people to keep asking the question, WHAT IS REAL? God always deals with, directs in and guides through REALITY. Is there anything like a REAL covenant of marriage going on here? Very often, divorce is nothing more than saying out loud, "Here's what is real: there is nothing resembling a covenant of marriage any longer." It is tragic. It always involves sin. It should be avoided at all cost. God hates it. But pretending to be married when you're really not -- hanging on to a corpse as it decays and makes you ill -- is often even more tragic, more sinful, more damaging, and more revolting to God.
Confess sin, ask for forgiveness, keep your eye on reality and your heart on the Lord, and move on.
For what its worth
GB
springs
03/09/01 6:39 PM
RE: Is it a sin to divorce an abusive spouse?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kris,
I think you are doing a great job in counseling your friend so far.
The NT says if your spouse is not a Christian and does not want to leave you should stay with him. This guy has made a choice not to stay with her, he is gone in heart and soul, it's just his body that's coming home.
Yes you can get that sermon on tape. You can call the church office and leave a message on the Shephard bood and tape line to order it and then you can pick it up at church or have it mailed to you.
"Here are my questions: Is divorce a sin in an abusive marriage?"
*No, God didn't like divorce in the old testament either but he allowed it because of the hardness of men's hearts. Making divorce legal was a way to protect woman from abuse."
"Didn't Sue's husband break the covenant of marriage when he choose sinful behavior, regardless of whether is was adultery or pornography?"
* yes, I agree with you on this one
"Isn't lusting for another in your heart a form of adultery?"
*sho nuff
"How do I respond to Joan, who is so legalistic?
*Tell her that you hold to a different opinion. You are both concerned friends and when asked to give advice can only offer what you truly believe. Whether your friendship can survive this is up to you, but most good friendships seem to be able to.
"Is a hierarchy in heaven a Catholic theory, or is it mentioned in the Bible?
*I think there are levels in heaven and hell, but God is just.
Sorry I can't quote any scripture for ya
"Is encourgaging Sue to at least ask her husband to leave/separate a sin on my part?"
*I don't think so. I wish they could get back into counseling.
A counselor is a "mandatory reporter" too.
God bless you for your heart in this
springs
Proverbs23_23
03/10/01 7:16 AM
RE: Is it a sin to divorce an abusive spouse?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi Kris,
First I want to say how WISE it is to get many counselors on this. You are a wonderful friend.
I have been through an abusive marriage (8 years), and I have 2 children. I can't begin to tell you how important it is to advise your friend to get out. The environment she is in is installing beliefs and fears in her and her children. (In the state I am in it is considered 'failure to protect' if she allows it, and is against the law).
Having said that, I too asked God for a neon sign, and got one. Here it is (please share this with JOAN as well) Malachi 2:16 "For I HATE divorce, says the Lord....AND THE COVERING ONE'S GARMENT (wife) with violence, says the Lord of Hosts. Some versions translate the latter part ..."and I ABHOR the covering" ~What a loving and perfect God to include that SO OVERLOOKED part of the verse! God hurts for her and for those kids. For further help in the area of esteem, I recommend the Amplified version of the bible. This will begin the process of renewing her mind. I found out who I was IN CHRIST through placing MY name in the verses that tell who He has made us when we accept Him.
I have to run,
love,
Proverbs
I can't say more now, but I'm sending my email address. God bless you as you continue to walk with her. I'm praying for you.
BBBCanada
03/10/01 11:45 AM
Is it a sin to divorce an abusive spouse?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
kris265 asks:
"Also, who is the author of "Four Views of Divorce and Remarriage"?"
The book is put out by Intervarsity Press (IVP) and is a collection of different essays by various theologians. The editor is Dr. Wayne House who teaches around the corner from where I live in Michigan at Michigan Theological Seminary. The different views taken are:
1. No divorce and no remarriage.
2. Divorce but no remarriage.
3. Divorce and remarriage only in the case of adultery and desertion.
4. Divorce and remarriage for any number of reasons.
Greg's sermons are in agreement with the number 4. But he just provides a better exegetical analysis in my opinion.
Brandon
| | Back to Top | | |
 | Forum Information | Currently it is Monday, November 09, 2026 4:14 PM (GMT -6)
There are a total of 97,718 posts in 6,040 threads.
In the last 3 days there were 0 new threads and 0 reply posts. View Active Threads
|
Forum powered by dotNetBB v2.42EC SP3
dotNetBB © 2000-2026 |
|
|